# The milking doe’s code



## MadHouse (Oct 3, 2019)

I came up with this this morning while milking.
This seems to be my doe's code of conduct. Yours may have similar or totally different rules. You are welcome to add!

1. Go crazy at the gate, always give the impression of urgency, milking must happen NOW!
2. The general idea is, you want as much time with the special food as possible. 
3. Dive into the bowl so farmer knows you never get enough.
4. Let out moans of pleasure (at the food), but farmer might think you are in pain. This will lead to concerned and careful examination of udder, which adds eating time.
5. Make sure you let them know which foods are appropriate for this time. Don’t accept mundane food that you can have anytime. Milk the system.
6. Stomp when you don’t like what they do.
7. If there is an actual milking bucket under you, give it a good kick. Or step into it.
8. The appropriate response to “Good girl!” is to stomp.
9. New staff must earn their right to milk. Make sure you are extra vigilant on the rules.
10. When they think it’s done and you are supposed to go back, take side trips and use the chance to explore places. If need be, go back to the milking parlour.
11. Farmers need to work harder to earn your milk.
12. Have a good laugh.


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## Andie Harness (Apr 5, 2020)

Love this! :haha:


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## toth boer goats (Jul 20, 2008)

:haha:


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## Goats Rock (Jun 20, 2011)

13. When farmer is in a hurry, act like you've never seen a milk stand before. Rear back in horror, make her physically lift you onto the stand. 
14. Learn to withhold milk, make the milker work extra hard for that last cup or more! (I had an evil doe that did this)


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## Nigerian dwarf goat (Sep 25, 2017)

Too funny!


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## cristina-sorina (May 4, 2018)

These are great!! 

15. Act like it's your first time being milked EVERY TIME, even though this is your second freshening.

@Goats Rock I have a doe that does #13, drives me nuts!


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## MadHouse (Oct 3, 2019)

Goats Rock said:


> 13. When farmer is in a hurry, act like you've never seen a milk stand before. Rear back in horror, make her physically lift you onto the stand.
> 14. Learn to withhold milk, make the milker work extra hard for that last cup or more! (I had an evil doe that did this)


Mine has done #13!


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## lhorning (Jun 26, 2017)

So funny!

#16 Upon the first touch of your udder, jump and scream. Make sure farmer knows you don't appreciate her cold hands.

#17 Just before milking is finished, make sure to pee and leave berries on the stand. If possible drop the berries on farmers arm while she is doing the final cleaning on your udder. 

#18 Always make sure to step off the stand with your rear legs and attempt to hang yourself. Farmer will panic, and if you're lucky, the milk bucket will spill.


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## Ranger1 (Sep 1, 2014)

#19 If too polite to kick, just go forward and backwards on the stand as far as you can, making the farmer constantly have to move the bucket back and forth to be able to continue milking.

#20 Squat-like sit-on the milk bucket.

#21 Hold one leg up in the air indefinitely while being milked. This will keep the farmer on alert, as he tries to guess when and where you are going to put that foot down-when you can’t balance any longer, aim for the center of the milk bucket.


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## NightShadeMeadows (Apr 8, 2019)

LOL!! This is so relatable. Thanks for the laugh this morning <3


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## Goats Rock (Jun 20, 2011)

13. A. if milking more than a couple of does: randomly refuse to get on the stand, no one do it everytime, just occasionally, just to drive the owner crazy!


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## Sfgwife (Feb 18, 2018)

You forgot the one about must be a total and complete terror... to the extent of bein a buckin bronc on the stand AND refusing to let down. Grrrrrrr!


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## MadHouse (Oct 3, 2019)

Sfgwife said:


> You forgot the one about must be a total and complete terror... to the extent of bein a buckin bronc on the stand AND refusing to let down. Grrrrrrr!


Would that be "our sweet Jade"?
:heehee:


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## MellonFriend (Aug 8, 2017)

MadHouse said:


> 10. When they think it's done and you are supposed to go back, take side trips and use the chance to explore places. If need be, go back to the milking parlour.


(rofl)


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## Sfgwife (Feb 18, 2018)

MadHouse said:


> Would that be "our sweet Jade"?
> :heehee:


Yasssssss! Ugh lol!

Made mrs turd face stay on the stand tonight til i got a qt of milk. Lost half of it. She got a pedi layin down. But after her pedi she was much nicer for the last two cups. She is a drama llama and tears the pool noodles out of the wall they are on. Throws em on the floor and sighs really loud. The goober! Then she lays her head on the barn wall like she may as well be dead for the tortures.

DRAMA LLAMA!


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## MadHouse (Oct 3, 2019)

Sfgwife said:


> Yasssssss! Ugh lol!
> 
> Made mrs turd face stay on the stand tonight til i got a qt of milk. Lost half of it. She got a pedi layin down. But after her pedi she was much nicer for the last two cups. She is a drama llama and tears the pool noodles out of the wall they are on. Throws em on the floor and sighs really loud. The goober! Then she lays her head on the barn wall like she may as well be dead for the tortures.
> 
> DRAMA LLAMA!


You sure had us laughing this morning!
I am not looking forward to training my sweet May on the milk stand. But who knows... she might be soo happy to finally get grain, she might not care.
Good luck with drama llama!


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## Sfgwife (Feb 18, 2018)

MadHouse said:


> You sure had us laughing this morning!
> I am not looking forward to training my sweet May on the milk stand. But who knows... she might be soo happy to finally get grain, she might not care.
> Good luck with drama llama!


Start early! Like when she freshens. Put her on the stand to eat her grain and go through the motions. Wipe her down, massage her udder, put some cream on it. You can snag a few squirts of milk but not much. Just enough to get her used to it all. The first two days jade let us do anything to that udder then she was a nope goat. So i think if you start it early it will be easier.

When i started with gracie i had milk her every day twice a day cause she had a singlet. She had not been milked before and was on her third freshening. She was a nigi. She kicked some but it was fast to get her settled. Maybe a week before i took the hobbles off. Jade just thinks we are stealin all her milks for her kids now. Hahahha.

But. I hear goat milk is great for your skin right? Should clear my eczema right up! (doh)(rofl)


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## GodsGarden (Feb 6, 2015)

9. New staff must earn their right to milk. Make sure you are extra vigilant on the rules.
This is so one of my goats. She can give me trouble at the very end of milking so I have to move the full bucket out from under her very fast. But one time the 'new staff' were milking for me, I was supposed to get the day off, and the doe freaked out. Literally and completely! Wouldn't at all let either of the 'new staff' milk her. Both have been around her, one had milked her before but that doe decided that they were aliens and wouldn't even eat her grain. I had to go out wondering what was wrong ... nothing. Well, something was wrong with her brain but I was allowed to milk her. lol


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## goatblessings (Jan 6, 2015)

Take the food holder in the milking stand and pick it up and dump it. Show your displeasure about not having anything to eat by behaving BADLY.


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## MadHouse (Oct 3, 2019)

Sfgwife said:


> Start early! Like when she freshens. Put her on the stand to eat her grain and go through the motions. Wipe her down, massage her udder, put some cream on it. You can snag a few squirts of milk but not much. Just enough to get her used to it all. The first two days jade let us do anything to that udder then she was a nope goat. So i think if you start it early it will be easier.
> 
> When i started with gracie i had milk her every day twice a day cause she had a singlet. She had not been milked before and was on her third freshening. She was a nigi. She kicked some but it was fast to get her settled. Maybe a week before i took the hobbles off. Jade just thinks we are stealin all her milks for her kids now. Hahahha.
> 
> But. I hear goat milk is great for your skin right? Should clear my eczema right up! (doh)(rofl)


Yes, that is the plan!
I don't have a stanchion type stand, just basically a table. I will have to tie her up in the beginning, I am sure. May is a bit skittish. But I figure, I got her tamed (she was a wild kid), and she learned to have her hooves trimmed without being tied, so it should be possible. Food, baby, food is the key!


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## MadHouse (Oct 3, 2019)

GodsGarden said:


> 9. New staff must earn their right to milk. Make sure you are extra vigilant on the rules.
> This is so one of my goats. She can give me trouble at the very end of milking so I have to move the full bucket out from under her very fast. But one time the 'new staff' were milking for me, I was supposed to get the day off, and the doe freaked out. Literally and completely! Wouldn't at all let either of the 'new staff' milk her. Both have been around her, one had milked her before but that doe decided that they were aliens and wouldn't even eat her grain. I had to go out wondering what was wrong ... nothing. Well, something was wrong with her brain but I was allowed to milk her. lol


Aww, she probably missed you!! So much for getting a day off!
Day off for a farmer? Unheard of! (rofl)


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## Courtney De St Jean (Apr 18, 2019)

22. Practice your tap dancing skills to add challenge to the milker, wouldn't want them to get lazy
23. Snort and give death stare if the treat does not meet expectations
24. Step in the milking bucket just for funsies


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## MadHouse (Oct 3, 2019)

25. When you get a new ingredient in your bowl that you looove, refuse to be milked after there is none left. If no more is added, go look for it yourself.

(I broke down and bought dairy ration to add to grain. After a whole year of being milked free standing, Willow now has to be hooked up to the leash, or she will jump off the table, looking for more goat chow!!! Addictions!)


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## Michaela Van Mecl (Sep 3, 2018)

MadHouse said:


> I came up with this this morning while milking.
> This seems to be my doe's code of conduct. Yours may have similar or totally different rules. You are welcome to add!
> 
> 1. Go crazy at the gate, always give the impression of urgency, milking must happen NOW!
> ...


I adore this, especially the "stomp" ! Thank you!


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## MadHouse (Oct 3, 2019)

Michaela Van Mecl said:


> I adore this, especially the "stomp" ! Thank you!


I assume you know this stomping business!?!?!?
:nod:


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## Michaela Van Mecl (Sep 3, 2018)

MadHouse said:


> I assume you know this stomping business!?!?!?
> :nod:


Oh yes! One of my girls is a big stomper when she doesn't get something she wants !


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## MadHouse (Oct 3, 2019)

Michaela Van Mecl said:


> Oh yes! One of my girls is a big stomper when she doesn't get something she wants !


Goats!
They crack me up!
Mine can also tap dance, like someone else mentioned!


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## Goats Rock (Jun 20, 2011)

26. On a double stand, lean, as hard as you can onto your neighbor. 
When she is trying to regain her footing, eat her grain.


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## MadHouse (Oct 3, 2019)

Goats Rock said:


> 26. On a double stand, lean, as hard as you can onto your neighbor.
> When she is trying to regain her footing, eat her grain.


(rofl)


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## GloryBeHomestead (May 3, 2020)

goatblessings said:


> Take the food holder in the milking stand and pick it up and dump it. Show your displeasure about not having anything to eat by behaving BADLY.


All these made me chuckle and, as a new milker, not feel like a complete failure! Lol 
Our original doe LOVES to dump her bucket! She totally knows what's she's doing, too... she will angle her nose just a certain way and I will say her name "Athena, no no!" Then she will pause and give me a stare- depending on the day she will either proceed with the bucket flipping or think better of it and continue on eating lol


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## MadHouse (Oct 3, 2019)

GloryBeHomestead said:


> All these made me chuckle and, as a new milker, not feel like a complete failure! Lol
> Our original doe LOVES to dump her bucket! She totally knows what's she's doing, too... she will angle her nose just a certain way and I will say her name "Athena, no no!" Then she will pause and give me a stare- depending on the day she will either proceed with the bucket flipping or think better of it and continue on eating lol


Oh, they got us, don't they!?
Because... we still want her to eat the grain, so we might fill the bowl up.


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## MadHouse (Oct 3, 2019)

27. Occasionally try to renegotiate your contract. You will be amazed the things the farmer comes up with, when you strike or act sickly (stand hunched and shiver).


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## mariella (Feb 23, 2017)

28. If kicking and dancing doesn't work to get you more of the good stuff push forward as hard as you can and reach over and BITE whatever you can, if its hair give it a few good tugs!

29. If your milker is into discipline and gives you a pop for kicking be sure to act like your guts have been ripped out. 

30. If you are on the market be sure anyone trying to buy you sees you behave like a wild animal before, during and after the stand.


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## Goats Rock (Jun 20, 2011)

31. Start giving the illusion that you are drying your self off- give less and less milk so your milker pretty much quits having any milk, then when she is really in a hurry, show her your over extended udder. Don't let her know that the real reason you rarely have milk is that those 2 late year kids that are in the group pen, aka. "The Thieves", have been nursing on you and you aren't anywhere near going dry!


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## 12345 (Nov 22, 2020)

hello,
I have a dry doe that has mastitis. Can I use the ToDAY treatment on her? Can today be used on dry doe? I think it just the salt of the chemical that is in tomorrow. Am I, right? I can not find any place that has tomorrow right now, it says it on backorder everywhere I look.


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## 12345 (Nov 22, 2020)

Can someone please message me how to post on the goat spot? thanks so much.


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## Goats Rock (Jun 20, 2011)

12345, To post to a section- Go to "Forums" located at the top of the page- then open up what section that you want to see. At the top will be in bold "Post New Thread". That is where you can start a new topic. 

12345, you can use "Today" on a doe with mastitis, but first you need to wash and dry your hands, wash and dry her teats, then milk out all the mastitis milk that you can. When she is milked out (even if dry- get that infection goo out) then wipe the end of the teat and infuse the entire tube up into her teat. Massage it up into her udder and when both sides are done, massage the medication around in the udder. Do this twice a day for at least 3 days. After you do each infusion, spray her with "Fight Bac" teat spray.

A lot of people will recommend giving her garlic by mouth to boost her immunity etc. I am not familiar with the amount of garlic so I will leave that to others.


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## Gooseberry Creek (Jun 3, 2020)

I am going to be milking my first goats this spring. I'm reading this and I'm thinking, Lordy, what have I got myself into this time? :haha::bonk:


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## Ana (Jan 29, 2020)

(thumbup)(thumbup)(thumbup)(thumbup)


Gooseberry Creek said:


> I am going to be milking my first goats this spring. I'm reading this and I'm thinking, Lordy, what have I got myself into this time? :haha::bonk:


Oh it'll be fine. It's fun really!


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## Gooseberry Creek (Jun 3, 2020)

Milk goats they said..It'll be fun they said...L0L!! I know that meme.

Oh I bet my oldest Lamancha the herd Queen is gonna be making up some of her own rules for me to add. I kinda dread milking her lol. Not only is she super devious but she is wicked smart. Not really a good combination with goats haha.


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## CBPitts (Jan 29, 2020)

#32(?) Occasionally freak out and run away when milker goes to let you into the milk room. Pretend milker is a coyote, or better yet, a cougar. Scream when milker gets too close, bolt into pasture and randomly crash into other goats. Continue this behavior until milker offers you animal crackers then rush to milker. Refuse to get on stand with suitable animal cracker bribe for the entire next week.

Do this at least once a month to keep milker on her toes.

I have a single doe that does every single thing listed here plus some. Not every day but often enough that she'll be on the sale list as soon as she gives me a doeling (she is absolutely stunning). In other words, if I get a bunch of doe kids this spring and I'm selling a quality doe with high LA scores with a sweet face, don't be tempted!


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## MadHouse (Oct 3, 2019)

CBPitts said:


> #32(?) Occasionally freak out and run away when milker goes to let you into the milk room. Pretend milker is a coyote, or better yet, a cougar. Scream when milker gets too close, bolt into pasture and randomly crash into other goats. Continue this behavior until milker offers you animal crackers then rush to milker. Refuse to get on stand with suitable animal cracker bribe for the entire next week.
> 
> Do this at least once a month to keep milker on her toes.
> 
> I have a single doe that does every single thing listed here plus some. Not every day but often enough that she'll be on the sale list as soon as she gives me a doeling (she is absolutely stunning). In other words, if I get a bunch of doe kids this spring and I'm selling a quality doe with high LA scores with a sweet face, don't be tempted!


That is soo funny! But of course, it is not funny that she does that all the time.
My perfect little May acted up when she was in heat the other day. The funny thing is, when I tied her up with her harness on, she just stood there, refusing to eat, but not pulling away, just standing there. Hormonal challenges!


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## Tanya (Mar 31, 2020)

So whats no 33


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## MadHouse (Oct 3, 2019)

We will let you know bedore long, I am sure!


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## Sfgwife (Feb 18, 2018)

MadHouse said:


> That is soo funny! But of course, it is not funny that she does that all the time.
> My perfect little May acted up when she was in heat the other day. The funny thing is, when I tied her up with her harness on, she just stood there, refusing to eat, but not pulling away, just standing there. Hormonal challenges!


Jade dances on the stand when she is in heat. Oh she goes on it fine cause she wants the grain but omg the happy feet drive me insane! And lets not forget the hold the milk until i get mad and fuss at her for bein a turd.... after i have WORKED for it for twenty min.... and coulda been done fifteen min ago. Oye!


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## MadHouse (Oct 3, 2019)

Oye is right!


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## TexasGoatMan (Jul 4, 2015)

You guys must be talking about those ND, mini-goats, Alpine, half breed/boar crosses or something like that. Shoot my Nubians never never act like that !! And if you will buy that line I have ocean front property for sale for you in Dallas. Those are so true but so funny except when it is happening to you.


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## MadHouse (Oct 3, 2019)

TexasGoatMan said:


> Shoot my Nubians never never act like that !!


You had me there!


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## Hounddog23 (Jan 13, 2021)

lhorning said:


> So funny!
> 
> #16 Upon the first touch of your udder, jump and scream. Make sure farmer knows you don't appreciate her cold hands.
> 
> ...


I have been there lol


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## MadHouse (Oct 3, 2019)

Does anyone else have a doe who holds her legs up in the air helpfully while you wash each side of the udder? May does this every day.:inlove:


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## Calistar (Jan 16, 2017)

MadHouse said:


> Does anyone else have a doe who holds her legs up in the air helpfully...


Yeah, I have one who does that- right before she kicks off the inflations!


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## MadHouse (Oct 3, 2019)

Calistar said:


> Yeah, I have one who does that- right before she kicks off the inflations!


Sorry, I am not sure what that means on the milking stand... I know kicking, but inflations?


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## GoofyGoat (Sep 21, 2018)

MadHouse said:


> Sorry, I am not sure what that means on the milking stand... I know kicking, but inflations?


I "think" they're part of a mechanical milking machine. Never used one myself though...good question!


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## Calistar (Jan 16, 2017)

Yes, it's the part of the milking machine that you put over their teat. They inflate and deflate to pump the milk out, hence "inflations." 

My one doe hovers her leg in the air and you can SEE her thinking about it, right before she kicks it off. She tries it once a day, but usually only once


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## MadHouse (Oct 3, 2019)

Well, mine just holds each leg up while I wash that side and puts it down gently. As long as I stick to the routine she is the perfect milking goat. But if I dare touch her tail or do any other “funny business”... she quits!!!


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