# jokes !



## GoatGirlInTraining (Mar 26, 2017)

post all of your jokes and funny stories. i'll start .....



There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down.
Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.
The next day, they gave him the medicine and left.
The goat approached the horse and said: Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!
On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.
The goat came back and said: Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three...
On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said: Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses.
After they left, the goat approached the horse and said: Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on... Fantastic! Run, run more!
Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!
All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting: It's a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a grand party. Let's Cook the goat!!!!
Lesson: Management never knows which employee actually deserves the appraisal.


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## JK_Farms (Nov 12, 2016)

Following!


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## GoatGirlInTraining (Mar 26, 2017)

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT 

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS 

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD 

Outside a secondhand shop: 
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? 

Notice in health food shop window: 
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR 

Notice in a farmer's field: 
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. 

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


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## GoatGirlInTraining (Mar 26, 2017)

A woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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## GoatGirlInTraining (Mar 26, 2017)

I just found this joke.... With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to
the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I
will think, Good gosh, look how smart I am.


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## GoatGirlInTraining (Mar 26, 2017)

--------------------------------------
DOG'S LETTERS TO GOD

Dear God: How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one
another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same
old story?

Dear God: Excuse me but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the
cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not one
named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a
nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be
easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle to the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him,
is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God: If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get
in?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy
fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been
howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is
the beagle across the street!

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize?

Dear God: Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we
can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpet thing again?

Dear God: Can you undo what the doctor did...?

CAT'S LETTER TO GOD

Dear God: Do you exist? I'm just curious. I don't care.
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## GoatGirlInTraining (Mar 26, 2017)

How To Give Your Cat A Pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of catâ€™s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub catâ€™s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouseâ€™s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighborâ€™s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give Your Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.
___


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## GoatGirlInTraining (Mar 26, 2017)

Hospital chart bloopers - actual writings from hospital charts! 

The patient refused autopsy. 

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 

Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 

Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 

She is numb from her toes down. 

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 

The skin was moist and dry. 

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 

Patient was alert and unresponsive. 

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 

Skin: somewhat pale but present. 

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.


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## GoatGirlInTraining (Mar 26, 2017)

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I 
gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to 
her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her 
the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated 
and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the 
money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. 
This actually happened in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane


I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a 
sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little 
chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already 
buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free 
sandwiches and I walked out the door. 


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them 
shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and 
said, "Where?" 


While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which 
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun 
waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" 
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for 
sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that 
stuff." 


I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I 
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was 
open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days 
a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to 
end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."


My friend has a lifesaving tool in his car designed to cut through a 
seat belt if he gets trapped. He keeps it in the trunk. 

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were 
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier 
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. 


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to 
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never 
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained 
professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane 
arrived yet?"


While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza 
to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like 
it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before 
responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to 
eat 6 pieces."


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## catharina (Mar 17, 2016)

My chicken ate my carnivorous plant. Seems like it should have been able to defend itself...


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## GoatGirlInTraining (Mar 26, 2017)

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big, black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. Nothing.
He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in. They listened for some time and....nothing.
Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it. One man spotted a big log nearby. They picked it up, grunting and groaning, and threw it to the hole, listening intently......nothing.
All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were astounded.

They walked on through the woods, and a little later met an old farmer who asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods, and run and leap into the big hole. He asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.

The old farmer said "Naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a big log."


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## Tanya (Mar 31, 2020)




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## Tanya (Mar 31, 2020)




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## alwaystj9 (Apr 10, 2019)




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## The Goat (8 mo ago)

Why are French goats more vocal than American goats. 



Because they have French horns


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