# Ex husband woes...



## HoosierShadow (Apr 20, 2010)

I am so frustrated right now, and really needed to vent.
My ex husband has basically been absent my daughters whole life, she just turned 16. She has ADHD and a learning disorder - she's not a typical 16yo, more like her brother who is 13, and has been having issues with lying off/on about minor stuff, you can always tell when she isn't telling the truth - she doesn't understand lying is worse than telling the truth about an incident.

This is a man who has no stability in his life, he has been in and out of jail. He has at least 3 other kids, 1 older that didn't even know who he was until he told him on a facebook post last year. Younger 2 last I heard a few years ago were taken away by child services either before/after he left their mom. Their mom happened to email me a couple of years ago, and said he might even have another girl with a woman she knew he was cheating on her with.

He thinks because his name is on the birth certificate that he has a right to these kids, but what is he? A sperm donor? My daughter doesn't know him, she was 10mo when I left him, and she's seen him maybe a handful of times in her life. Last time she saw him was in 2008.

Last year he contacted her on facebook, went behind my back, and they both lied to me about it. My daughter lied to me because she didn't want to get in trouble. I wasn't mad that she was talking to him, I was mad because she lied to me about it. I sat down with her and had a long talk, and asked if this was someone she really wanted in her life, even discussed it with her psychiatrist, who agreed, she needs stability, not someone that comes and goes without a care or worry as to how he is affecting her.
I told her to ask what questions she has, and stop the contact. If he really cares about her, he'll make an effort - take care of the warrants out for his arrest, and start working on the child support and keep a job, etc.

Didn't hear anything, then suddenly, yesterday she said he emailed her. I asked if she emailed him back and she said no. I told her I'd rather her not contact him, and she said she wouldn't. Then last night she said he wrote her again, showed me, and that is when I seen she had been writing him back and was lying. So she got in trouble again for lying about it <only a scalding, I haven't set a punishment for the lying>.
If there is one thing I won't tolerate, it's having my kids lie to me. She is the only one that has this issue  She can't grasp/understand that lying is worse than being honest in these kind of situations.

I emailed him and told him to leave her alone. 
This is my email. I was tired, frustrated and yeah, angry...

_I have asked that you leave Jessica alone. You are doing nothing but confusing her. Do you not understand? You have NOT been there for her at all, but you think it's okay to email her whenever you feel like it. What you are doing is not right. I have given you many opportunities to be a part of her life, and you chose not to be a responsible person, or parent. You would rather go to jail than even help take care of her! I want you to leave her alone, which is something you are pretty good at doing! Quit playing games with her, she struggles as it is, and you are not helping.

What do you want from her? Do you really think you need to be in her life? How many warrants are out for you now? How far behind on child support are you now? How long have you been in the same place? Same job? What kind of stability do you offer her?

Think about it. Think about how your actions affect someone else, because you sure don't seem to have any idea what it has done to her._

This is his response

_first of all i just wished her a happy valintines day,she ask me a question,i answered her. as i c it it is up 2 her not u, n i wuz talkin 2 her not u, so let it go,i told her i am not wantin any trouble, so let her b.i am right. she knows more than u think.im not goin to argue about this if she never wants to hear from me she her self can tell me not anyone else,she does have fam n Indy,so let her atleast talk 2 them. b smart about this not keep her from them,me that is fine,her chose i will up hold her wish. u say she struggles let her make up her own mind than,what r u goin to say when she is 18 n wants 2 know her fam n indy??? so if u have nothin nice to say, but out --------------------------------------------_

He doesn't know her at all. Just because she will be 18 in a couple of years doesn't mean a thing! She is mildly handicap - she can't live on her own, or make her own decisions. 
The 'fam' he refers to are constantly moving, changing jobs, in/out of jail, or have so much drama it's ridiculous <I am friends with his sister on FB so I see some of it...>. The only reason I wouldn't allow her to be friends with his sister on FB is because of the foul language and drama. Again, remember 16 year old girl, that is more on level with her 13yo brother.

As a mother, I have a right to protect my child. I truly believe I am protecting her. If she were more mature minded, and understood everything, I think I'd allow her to make her own decision on this within reason. But she can't, not yet.

I feel like his little attempts and going behind my back is a slap to myself and to my husband. My husband has been my daughters father since she was about 2yo. She calls him Dad, depends on him, and loves him. he has been the one supporting her. We've been together nearly 15 years & just celebrated our 13th marriage anniversary.
We have a very stable life. My husband is a work-a-holic, he works 6 days/nights a week/8-11hrs <48-70hrs a week>, and I can count on one hand how many days he has missed work since we've been together.
He is doing what her biological father should be doing, and he gets very upset when he finds out that my ex is trying to get 'good' with my daughter. He feels it's very disrespectful, and I think it is also hurtful, he just won't admit that.

So sorry to go on and on, anyone that has stuck through it this long, thanks. I honestly just don't really have anyone to talk to about this situation. I am not letting it get to me, but it's definitely frustrating.

My daughter has an appt. with her psychiatrist today, so unless weather or pregnant/due/overdue goats interfere, then I will be bringing this up with her again.

EDITED:
Thought I'd mention that he's paid maybe $3-4,000 in support through her life, and years ago was paying $1 a month thinking it would keep him out of trouble. Imagine getting $1 in the mail to help support a child


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## ksalvagno (Oct 6, 2009)

I'm so sorry you are going through this again. Is there any way to get a restraint against him? Hopefully he will go away on his own. :hug:


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## LadySecret (Apr 20, 2013)

I'm sorry your having to deal with this. There is certainly a lot more to being a dad than providing DNA and some men will never understand that.... The only way to prevent him contacting her on Facebook is to not allow her on Facebook or other social media sites. And even then that may prove difficult considering the digital world we live in. Best wishes!


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## HoosierShadow (Apr 20, 2010)

Thanks, I am not sure if I could get a restraint against him. I think he'll 'go away' again, or at least hope he does. It's very frustrating 

It is definitely hard to keep kids off of electronics. She is in high school, and they give all of the kids an IPAD, they do a lot of their work on it, have internet access all the time, and she brings it home <only time she doesn't have it is during summer break when they have all the kids turn them in>. 
So it's hard to keep her off of facebook, email, etc.
I am going to make sure her facebook page is private, and make sure I am checking her messages on there & email regularly. 
Typically she just emails me, or my siblings now and then. I want her to have access to friends & family, but she needs to be honest and quit lying to me about it. She's told me she doesn't want him contacting her. She's also told him that too. She is getting 'attention' and that's the only reason she is contacting him.


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## Cactus_Acres (Sep 24, 2013)

Talk to her psych about consequences for lying. She needs them. Maybe IPad at home is to only be used around others, and never goes back to her room. Talk to the school about whether or not there is a way to block certain stuff on her pad. 

Maybe it is time to deactivate her Facebook account for a while. If via email, can you set it up where any emails she gets are forwarded to an account you have? 

If I had someone doing this to my two kids who have issues (two of mine are on the autism spectrum, very highly functional), I'd be setting those emails to go straight to the trash file or a non-descript file, totally bypassing the inbox.

From what you have read, who seems to be the one provoking the contact? Her or her dad?


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## Jessica84 (Oct 27, 2011)

Oh what a crappy situation. First since she is sneaking I would make it where you have her passwords, either you get passwords or she's going to have a very lonely summer when it comes. Once you get those passwords mark his emails as spam, that will send them right to trash, on fb go onto her friends, find him and push BLOCK. Sadly I think this is going to be a temporary fix. She's curious about him and she's always going to be till he stomps on her heart and she realizes you were right. At one point your probably just going to have to let it happen but let's hope it's years from now when she's a little more mature.


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## toth boer goats (Jul 20, 2008)

Good advice guys.

I am so sorry, you are going through this. Some dead beats think they have all rights to their children, but law states, they must care for their children in every aspect and not be a bad influence in order to see them. As indicated, every once in a great while pop up, going in and out of jail, is not going to do it. 
Ignoring child support, not being there, physically and financially shows, her father needs to wake up and take on his responsibility. Clean up his act and start paying his share of child support. It is his obligation to do so and shows he care's for her, a dollar is a slap in the face.
Dead beats are not welcome or should not have any say so with that child. 
If she has ADHD, she can be influenced wrongly unfortunately and you as her mother, are doing the right thing to shelter and protect her from all the wrong and bad around her. She doesn't need negativity in her life, I agree. 

Good luck, praying you can get through this without your daughter getting hurt. I know she doesn't understand he is not doing his part, as he should in order to get that respect to see or write her. :sadhappy:


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## HoosierShadow (Apr 20, 2010)

Thanks so much, I don't know what I'd do without you guys ♥ I appreciate it.
I'm either too tired to be upset anymore, or I've just cooled off now. I did talk with her and her psychiatrist today, so that did help as well.
She explained to my daughter that the truth isn't what got her in trouble, it was the lying. So if we keep instilling this in her mind, I hope it might help.

Thankfully, he is not on her facebook friends list, so she did respect my asking her not to befriend him or certain other people that I just don't think she needs to associate on there with. Friends/friends from school and family are fine. There are even people in my family I won't allow my kids to befriend, so it's not just his family. Thankfully, most of my family are responsible, and not drama queens on facebook.

I am going to get on there tonight and check everything, and keep tabs. I want her to be able to socialize, as she just doesn't social much outside of school and occasionally messaging family/friends on facebook.
I think my ex does not have facebook, because our county attorney was going to try and use facebook as a way to locate him, and so he suddenly deleted his page.

I want to sleep on it, and decide what the punishment for lying will be. One more strike though, and that is it with electronics. I can make it so that the IPAD has to stay at school & she won't be able to bring it home. I just don't want to have to do that to her.


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## Dayna (Aug 16, 2012)

My daughter got in trouble a couple years ago regarding the internet. Lets just say she sent a photo she shouldn't have to her boyfriend and then LIED about it...

Her punishment for both offenses was layers. For the lying the immediate punishment of taking away phone/computer/facebook for a set period of time. Then because of the picture after the devices where given back they were at first only allowed to be used in my presence, then as time went on I allowed her more and more freedom. Oh and 6 months of zero texting and zero email and zero facebooking this boy. They were allowed to talk on the phone or meet in person only while supervised.

I knew that if I cut off all contact it would make him more desirable. I bring that up because maybe cutting off all contact with her biological father makes him this mythical wonderful person (that he's not obviously) so maybe supervised limited contact via email or the phone that you are in control of might be better.

Just my thoughts. Good luck. Thankfully my ex scooted our of my daughters life and we rarely hear from him.


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## springkids (Sep 12, 2013)

I am sorry you and your daughter are going through this. It really is a shame that this type of thing happens. My sister has similar problems with her ex husband so I understand what it's like. Hopefully as she matures she will understand and see things for what they are on her own. 
Bless you all....:hug:


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## Trickyroo (Sep 26, 2012)

Oh Candice , I'm so sorry :hug: I remember you having issues with him before  I agree , block his email , but like was mentioned , it may make him more desirable to make contact with . I really don't know what would work and what would be foolproof. I know what would work for maybe a while , but it wouldn't be right… Its so selfish of him to contact her :very angry:
I think limiting her use of the electronics would be a good start. And helping her understand the repercussions of lying , maybe with the both of these things working together , it will help her see how wrong lying is. Idk….
Another thing i thought of is if you block him , would he try to see your daughter in person ? I hated to bring that up , but i wouldn't feel right if i didn't. Something bothers me about his sister and you having contact , i can't put my finger on it , but it sorta made me think maybe she encourages her brother to contact Jessica ? 

What i do know , you will sleep on it and once the anger subsides , you will be able to think more clearly and come up with a plan that will help protect and comfort your daughter during this confusing time. Again , I'm so sorry


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## HoosierShadow (Apr 20, 2010)

Thanks so much Laura, I appreciate it. I definitely do think his sister encourages the contact, and she thinks I am wrong for not allowing the contact, but, she doesn't know everything that has gone down. She didn't have contact with my ex for a long time until last year. 
I grew up in Indiana, that's where we met & lived. When I left him, I stayed with family for about 5mo and wmy daughter and I moved to KY with my best friend <to work with horses & where I ended up meeting my husband>. 
My ex had family in southeastern KY a few hours away, and I know he moved back and forth from IN to KY a few times or more. 
He's currently in Indianapolis, I think because he screwed up/messed up with everyone in KY and the police were after him for the warrant.
I also know he tried to apply for disability...ready for this --- because he says he is Bipolar and cant' work lol. I don't believe that for a second...

I do worry that one day he might try to come here and see her without my knowing, but so far that hasn't happened, thank goodness. I've told the school I have full custody, but you definitely bring up a good subject, because I need to check with them again and make sure it's still in the computer that he is not allowed to have contact without my permission.


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## OGYC_Laura (Jan 9, 2014)

My daughter is ADHD but not mentally behind and her story is the same as your daughters.. She turned 18 yesterday... When she was 16 I allowed supervised contact in between jail stays and he broke her heart.. It was hard to watch and hard to not protect her but she is much closer to me and her step dad and has no real interest in her sperm donor.. She thanked me a few days ago for allowing her to see his true colors...


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