# Well THAT was sufficiently traumatizing



## BlaqueUnicornAdventures (May 14, 2014)

Okay, I know this shouldn't come as any shock, and I am reasonably certain I am not alone in this kind of issue... But HOLY CRAP am I beside myself after my first real experience attempting to milk this First Freshener!

Now, I am realizing I may have made a slight miscalculation here. The goat I bred first (because she was the one who was an appropriate age at the time, AND because she is a bi-polar lunatic comic book super heroine that I was looking for some excuse to make her "useful" or at least "productive") may not have been my best idea ever. 

The baby is PERFECT, adorable, sweet. A few days old and starting to get frisky and super bouncy. But Mom has significantly more milk that expected, about four or five times what baby is eating... And since I was all excited to get goat milk again, I figured, perfect... She has found a purpose (other than instigating very nearly every bit of goat mischief that occurs around here). I was all proud that my idea yielded a better than expected result...

Then I tried actually milking her...
There was a massive calamity, the freakish strength of my ultra petite deer-like doe has always been truly astonishing (she IS half Nubian Ibex, which is what we attribute her "wildness" and freakish strength and agility to, because she is half the size of the other goats and SIGNFICANTLY STRONGER than three or four of them put together, and she can easily jump 7 feet (no exaggeration, she can probably do more than that actually) from a stand still... Some drama was expected. However after she came eagerly to me for some sweet feed, and allowed me to handle her (I have spent the last 7 weeks or so checking her udders almost daily, she hates it, but is not unaccustomed to it by now and generally tolerates it moderately on most occasions) so I thought, okay let's do this! 

Well she broke the arm off the stanchion with a powerful series of leaps, complete with shrieking like she was about I be killed and eaten (which I consider on a regular basis actually, but can't bring myself to do because she LOOKS at me with a weird affection and follows me around like a puppy, she just hates being touched, unless you can secure her in your lap at which point she loves to rub her cheeks on you and lick you... Weirdo) and of course I am also known as "crazy Lara croft" and "Pocahontas" and my father trains cage fighters... I am also a ridiculous athlete and am ungodly stubborn, I decided I was going to milk this thing, it was going to freakin happen!

Anyway, after nearly 20 minutes of wrestling with her and various pieces of barn yard equipment, somehow I ended up on my back with her head between my knees in a scissors lock (and you also have to envision that I am just under 5 months pregnant myself and kind of look like I swallowed a basketball... So it's entirely possible that this was some form of hormonal psychosis on my part) as I tied her to a shipping pallet on its side leaned against a wall with a cotton horse training lead (she looked like one of those children's toys that is all twist tied to its blister packaging, that or like some giant spider had restrained her... There were three straps around her belly, and all four legs, and the base of her neck... And she looked thoroughly confused that she couldn't utilize any of her "weapons"...
Then I proceeded to milk her, and about half way through she turns her head in some bizarre contortion and begins licking my ear... Obsessively, exactly the same way she does her baby! 

Surprisingly she emptied out to nearly two quarts! Considering she is half wild species and half FERAL goat, I was suitably impressed since they say the feral goats only make modest amounts of milk. 

So when I turn her loose, she won't leave my side or stop licking me. Mind you she shrieks like its "ugly death" and does a calimitous flying leap over my head (and I am 5'10") if I try to touch her, kind of situation normal there really, but she instantly dashes back to lick me!

...the milk tastes SO AMAZINGLY SWEET! 
I swear the best tasting milk I have EVER had (seconded by the boyfriend shaped person... Who was mercifully absent from the whole acquiring of said milk affair)

But all I can think is, I am so glad my others were bottle raised and ENJOY all forms of handling, including insepecting their future milking equipment. I anticipate them being super easy to milk as FF... Ah but this Ibex hybrid (whose name gets modded even when I spell it inoffensively) definitely earned her name... I am glad no one videoed this calimitous but hilarious event. But when I look back on all the destroyed things in the barn yard when my friends pull up to take me out for a St. Pattys day event, they all just shake their heads and say her scandalous name... Because this really is kind of situation normal when she is involved.

...someone just lie to me it you have to and tell me this will get easier!


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## TDG-Farms (Jul 12, 2013)

Oh how much would I pay to watch a video of that!!!  Outstanding post!


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## BlaqueUnicornAdventures (May 14, 2014)

You know, me also! 
As long as I wasn't the person IN the video... 
Of course in this case, it was me in the middle of it.. Mercifully I was spared the indignity of becoming a viral YouTube comedy sensation (mostly because no one else was around at the time!)


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## ksalvagno (Oct 6, 2009)

Too funny!


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## groovyoldlady (Jul 21, 2011)

Oh. It will get easier. I'm sure you've completely won. She will be a GEM to milk from now on. ;-)

(And your post was so funny that I read it aloud to my daughters!)


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## spidy1 (Jan 9, 2014)

Toooooo funny!!!


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## Lstein (Oct 2, 2014)

Sorry but I wish this would have been filmed lol :lol:


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## TDG-Farms (Jul 12, 2013)

Kinda neat that the doe has abex in her. I wanted to a Alpine ibex cross to breed to some does to produce pack goats. But its nearly impossible to do that here in the states


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## SerenitySquare (Jun 28, 2014)

Well that made my day, especially since I just came in from milking and still fighting with one doe who won by getting her foot in the milk bucket, again.....


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## margaret (Aug 30, 2013)

:slapfloor: I would love to see that on video!!


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## happybleats (Sep 12, 2010)

Im sure it wasn't funny at the time...but sure made me laugh!!!..


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## Goats4Milk (Jan 2, 2015)

I salute your stubbornness to overcome the horror that is a FF.


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## Dayna (Aug 16, 2012)

LOL our ferals here are pretty darn crazy huh!?!

She will calm down. And yes the milk is soooooo good. I think it's the nigerian thats in the ferals here. I've done a lot of research and the ferals seem to be a mix of spanish (the glorious horns!), nigerian dwarfs and toggenburg. At least on our Island thats what has gotten loose a long time ago and seems to be what has made our ferals.

We've got no ibex here on our Island for sure, no one ever brought them here and none escaped that I know of, some fun horns for sure but no ibex. All of our amazing spiral horns come from spanish blood lines.


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## BlaqueUnicornAdventures (May 14, 2014)

On Kauai (and Niihau & Lanai) there are Ibex. There is a game farm here that brought them over for sport hunting (the Robinson family who own more than a quarter of the island and all of Niihau run a game hunting business (or used to until extremely recently) and there is a local family that does hunts on Kalalea (where my hybrid must have escaped from before setting up shop at my friends vacation rental down the road from them) I've seen their Nubian Ibex buck, he is definitely a different breed than the typical Ferals of the Canyon! (The Kauai Ferals are largely thought to be of Spanish descent, but to my eyes resemble Alpine a bit more (the small ears) and LaMancha (I've seen a lot of sundgau and Black and Tan out there -I hike in the canyon a lot- and a good number of elf ears out there. There are also Togg colored ones. I almost brought a toggy colored one home last year before I rescued Moesha. This year I am seeing more people hiking with them, I ran into an old Asian couple last week who had a little Black and Tan male from off the mountain)



TDG-Farms said:


> Kinda neat that the doe has abex in her. I wanted to a Alpine ibex cross to breed to some does to produce pack goats. But its nearly impossible to do that here in the states


The game farm owner (where she came from) laughed at me when I said I was going to keep her to try and milk her, and that WHEN I decide to invite her to dinner they would help me with the preparation part (clearly, they know her!) she does a lot of little things that are just not quite like the other goats. Everything about her is "more" except her size, she is a petite little thing that kind of resembles a gazelle more than a goat.

After researching wild caprines, I kind of wanted to breed to either a Markhor (I have found a source for life sales and semen!) or Girgentana (I love their tall cork screw horns!) but I can find a source outside of Italy (although I did make several contacts in Italy! I guess it is darn near impossible to import even semen from Europe though) I REALY like those tall spirals, and I thought that being that Markhor are the largest of the wild caprines, they would add size and agility...

Although after TFIbex... I am not certain it's such a great idea on the Markhor thing. Although I am assured that bottle babies are sweet and trusting as any goat. Life AFTER meeting TFIbex has definitely made me rethink a great many ideas! I'm hoping she will get easier once she figures out the whole milking thing (I keep telling myself I will brain wash her into liking it!) because she is making so much more milk than I had expected and definitely more than her baby is eating!

...wish me luck, I am going to go try and do this milking thing again...


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## BlaqueUnicornAdventures (May 14, 2014)

This was the little feral toggy baby I almost brought home last year just before I got Moesha.


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## Frosty (Feb 13, 2010)

Wow that was funny. Sorry I had to laugh. I wasn't trying to milk mine but trying to feel if they have an udder started cause of s0 much hair I couldn't see and I though I had bucking broncos out there. Really funny and last night one of mine knocked my daughter on her butt while we were trying to apply some medicine to a horn she knocked off.. They can be such a pain but you got to love them.


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## dreamacresfarm2 (May 10, 2014)

Our FF Saanen last year was a rodeo to milk-put her on the milk stand- hobbled her front legs amd tied them to the stand- husband held both back feet off the ground- She was still able to get her front in the bucket at times--took about 2 weeks but now she milks like a dream - her licking you may mean she is seeing you as her baby-might make milking easier


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## luvmyherd (Apr 9, 2011)

I do not think LOL is sufficient. But I will relate that when we got Shasta she was fresh and we were so excited to have milk right away. Hubby built a milking stand and we got her on to it with me pulling and him pushing. I will not relate the whole long story but she actually turned the stand on its side with her in it. I was terrified she may have broken her neck. In desperation my husband rigged a sling over the stand to hoist her off her feet and after several vain attempts with homemade hobbles we bought one. Unbelievably, after a few weeks I was able to use only the hobble and did not have to hoist her anymore (which took two people) and gradually she became my favorite girl and gave wonderful milk.
I tell you all this to let you know there is hope.
I too would give anything if there was a video of your fiasco:ROFL::slapfloor::slapfloor::ROFL:


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## BlaqueUnicornAdventures (May 14, 2014)

happybleats said:


> Im sure it wasn't funny at the time...but sure made me laugh!!!..


Oh even at the time I knew it was going to be funny! (If the Ibex hybrid is good for anything it is the "HOW on earth and by the powers of all that is good and holy did she manage to do THAT??!!!" Moments -of which there are no shortage of them! Her well earned name, is always a source of much discussion and amusement because I actually don't swear much, so the fact that it IS her name automatically lets everyone know who and what she is! Most of my friends have also experienced some of her ridiculousness... And all universally agree; it really is the only thing you can call her!)

But I was cursing up a storm, in a few different languages, along with the mantra "it is GOING to happen! ...just accept it!" Repeated in about every possible variation of syllabic emphesis. I feel like it may have cast a spell on her, or "subliminal viral marketing", and at this point I am willing to employ witchcraft to get the job done!

This morning was, mercifully, less chaos, but still her good bit of acrobatic ninjary antics. She DEFINITELY remembered the sideways pallet! But big bucket of feed in front of her and she was so focused on greedily emptying the bucket that she forgot to be a total menace!

I have THE FAITH that this will get easier over time...


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## cybercat (Oct 18, 2007)

Oh I can relate to the first freshner first time milking experience. I went through one last night with no stand fat ended up in hobbled but didn't work. we are in the process of building a stanchion now. that's good to know that things will end up being okay in the end though. I guess we should all have a good olympics video contest the first fresheners.


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## BlaqueUnicornAdventures (May 14, 2014)

I find it helps to just say, over and over; 

"it is GOING TO HAPPEN, ...just accept it!"

Repeat until you are brave/stubborn/angry enough to continue, or the darn goat just gives in! This is how I am keeping myself going...


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## janeen128 (Dec 31, 2012)

Oh my!!! LOL.... Great post. I do think it will get easier...


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## Tapestry (Feb 5, 2015)

Can you imagine the money you could have won on AFV?!? Oh well! And you'll never have that opportunity again, because it will get easier. She's going to decide, right quick, that she likes being milked. She'll be greatly disappointed when it's time to dry her off, she'll like it so much.


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## Barnes19 (Sep 8, 2013)

!!!!:slapfloor::ROFL:

I have one not that dissimilar. Miss is a miniature tank. Half the size and twice the strength of the 'normal' goats, virtually psychotic when it comes to having her belly/udder touched, never mind milking!! 

One of her tricks is biting ... I've had a bruised back from her teeth ... and she has, mostly on separate occasions, jumped straight over the front fence of the milking stand, (with her head still in the bail on this side, me frantically undoing the catch before she hangs herself), Launched forwards through the head bail (yes she had to break it to do that), and finally tipped the whole milking stand over, with me still sitting on it.

How that happened I still don't know ... all I know is, one minute I was ... happily? ... milking, with my knee wedged under her brisket to stop her sitting down, both feet tied, a strap under her belly, another over her wither, and a collar tied to the stand as well as the head bail, and still trying to haul her teeth out of my back with the other hand, next the stand is over, she's laying on the ground and I'm sprawled over the top. Congratulations Miss, you spilled the milk again.

Once, after she was 'improving' I took a short cut (her stubbornness on leading makes me think of bundling her into the wheelbarrow to get her to the stand), and tied her lead to the paddock gate to milk. She hadn't kicked or bitten for a while, I thought I'd get away with it. 

MISTAKE!! After the lead snapped I wound up with both legs and arms locked around her, rolling, tumbling down the hill. Rocks, blackberry, a thistle ... trees ... I don't know what most of the things we met on the way were but they're not very friendly from that angle I assure you! 

Got dragged, kicked, bitten, stepped on, dragged some more. Picked her up and carried her back to the gate, that is how small this little tank is, and she seemed to have got it out of her system now because she finished the milking ok. Oh, and congratulations to us, this time the milk was still there waiting for us!! No spillage ... this is progress!

But, my legs were black and blue, I elicited a lot of raised eyebrows and concerned questions like 
"Is everything all right at home?"
"Oh yes its alright I just got this milking the goat."
"You WHAT!!??"

Eventually it has been determined that Miss only reacts like that when she has a kid. She has surplus, but she's very possesive of her milk for her baby. If her baby has been sold, she calms down and accepts me within 12 hours.


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## BlaqueUnicornAdventures (May 14, 2014)

Okay, I don't want to Jinx it, but today the crazy Ibex Hybrid was actually a pretty GOOD GIRL.

I am completely stunned and dumbfounded. I was completely ready for another full-on ninja battle, she ran to her newly constructed isolation pen and straight to where the pallet was that I strapped her to last time... And I put a bucket of feed in front of her, she DOVE into it, and allowed me to milk her with minimal fuss. She tried to lay down twice, and sort of leaned her shoulder into the pallet a couple times, but other than that she wasn't all that difficult at all. 

I am thoroughly confused!
She was actually GOOD... 
After she even leaned into me and asked me to scratch her cheeks. It was weird! I'm not complaining, I just don't quite understand what happened. Did I win? Did she finally just stop being crazy? 
I'm not holding my breath that this is going to be consistent yet, but I am completely astonished... She was a good girl. 

I think you have to know her to understand my confusion here, for over a year she has had DAILY "oh god, REALLY?" Moments of psychotic misbehavior... I am confused by this sudden change in disposition


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## janeen128 (Dec 31, 2012)

She could feel relieved when you milk her out, so that could be why she's "liking" it... I've had 1 that was a pain the first day, the next day I was dreading it, but she was an angel...;-)


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## BlaqueUnicornAdventures (May 14, 2014)

Well she definitely made a little angel...


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## lottsagoats1 (Apr 12, 2014)

It's amazing what a pregnant woman can do. You go girl!

Loved your story. First fresheners are a treat to deal with on a good day, but your bi-polar wild child took it to a new level!


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## Goat_in_Himmel (Jun 24, 2013)

BlaqueUnicorn and Barnes, while I am reading, I am watching a speeded-up, black and white video of you guys with my mind's eye, with ragtime piano accompaniment. Move over, Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton! Stand aside, Laurel and Hardy! Now featuring "Milking Mother Goat"!


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## BlaqueUnicornAdventures (May 14, 2014)

Okay, I am fairly certain at this point some form of witchcraft has been involved... Because she actually GETS BETTER every single milking! 
I mean yesterday she just sort of ran into her milking pen and mostly ignored me while I milked her as she ate (except for the laying down twice) and this morning she just ate and didn't even try laying down at all... And this afternoon... She just ran to the bucket and started eating and kind of waited for me to get started like she knows the drill...

Such a different goat from a few days ago's bizarre ninja battle. I mean I haven't even fixed the stanchion yet, she just stands in front of her feed bucket and let's me milk her dry. 

I'm not complaining at all. But definitely thinking witchcraft was enacted somewhere in this equation since she is actually pretty easy to milk several times sequentially... The only thing that makes sense is witchcraft! ...doesn't matter how it happened, I'll take it!


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## janeen128 (Dec 31, 2012)

Glad she's doing better for you


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## groovyoldlady (Jul 21, 2011)

onder:


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## Trickyroo (Sep 26, 2012)

That was a funny story , holy poop was i laughing , lol..:ROFL:
Your a amazing woman to have such will and ambition 
You rock :thumb:


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## Trickyroo (Sep 26, 2012)

groovyoldlady said:


> onder:


:whatgoat::coffee2::slapfloor::thinking:

Im can't stop laughing&#8230;someone slap me. :slapfloor:


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## BlaqueUnicornAdventures (May 14, 2014)

She was good again today...
I think she either has PTSD or Stockholm Syndrome, maybe I just TRAUMATIZED her into behaving herself?

...I am not ruling out witchcraft...
If anyone DID something to her, a million thanks!

I mean she literally runs to the sideways pallet and stands while eating for me to milk her. It's a totally different goat. Maybe breeding her first wasn't a miscalculation after all.

...of course I say that now, she make come back to her usual psychotic self at any moment. I'm still kinda in shock from it myself


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## luvmyherd (Apr 9, 2011)

I love your style of writing. You should have a humor goat column! Shasta used to relapse once in a while but taking away her grain usually made her behave the next day. Glad things are going well.


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## margaret (Aug 30, 2013)

Trickyroo said:


> :whatgoat::coffee2::slapfloor::thinking:
> 
> Im can't stop laughing&#8230;someone slap me. :slapfloor:


SLAP. :hammer: there you go Laura:slapfloor:


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## Trickyroo (Sep 26, 2012)

margaret said:


> SLAP. :hammer: there you go Laura:slapfloor:


Hey thanks Margaret , i needed that  Feel much better now


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## Trickyroo (Sep 26, 2012)

margaret said:


> SLAP. :hammer: there you go Laura:slapfloor:


Hey thanks Margaret , i needed that  Feel much better now :slapfloor:


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## Trickyroo (Sep 26, 2012)

BlaqueUnicornAdventures said:


> She was good again today...
> I think she either has PTSD or Stockholm Syndrome, maybe I just TRAUMATIZED her into behaving herself?
> 
> ...I am not ruling out witchcraft...
> ...


Don't ask questions&#8230;&#8230;don't doubt yourself&#8230;..so mote it be


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## BlaqueUnicornAdventures (May 14, 2014)

luvmyherd said:


> I love your style of writing. You should have a humor goat column! Shasta used to relapse once in a while but taking away her grain usually made her behave the next day. Glad things are going well.


Many thanks, I was thinking of starting a blogging project again. ;-)


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## thekibblegoddess (Dec 13, 2014)

Just have to tell you I so enjoyed reading your thread. I was laughing so hard and DH, knowing i was reading about goats, resolutely refused to ask what was so funny. His loss. Kudos to you.


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## Trickyroo (Sep 26, 2012)

BlaqueUnicornAdventures said:


> Many thanks, I was thinking of starting a blogging project again. ;-)


Oh you have to ! Your really good and I'm sure many here would love to read more of your "adventures" 

Seriously very entertaining


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## audrey (Jul 17, 2012)

Thats hilarious! I too have noticed it takes 3 days for does to really figure out what the deal with milking is, and by the 5th day they are like old champs at it.


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