# Friend in need - update :(



## StaceyRosado (Oct 5, 2007)

I am so upset right now 

a dear friend is in a terrible situation. She needs out NOW but doesnt have the courage to make it happen at this point.

She also needs a place to live to bring her goats with her.

I dont know how to encourage her more then I already have -- if anyone has ideas for how she can find a rental property for her and her goats I would GREATLY appreciate it.

If she could take her goats that she has worked so hard to acquire that would totally booster her spirits. But she is getting to the point where she thinks she should just sell all and move in with her mom. This would just destroy her even more.

Please help in anyway you know how. Thank you


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## citylights (Jul 3, 2009)

*Re: Friend in need*

Ugh, that doesn't sound good... is she in New Jersey? Is there anyway she find a spot for her goaties til she gets settled/gets her problems resolved? Poor thing. That;'s a lot to have to deal with.......


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## StaceyRosado (Oct 5, 2007)

*Re: Friend in need*

yah in NJ

I found 2 places on Craigs List that might be promising but it means she has to contact the people and actually make it happen. She says yes I know Stacey. But then doesnt follow through. Its a sad situation. I almost feel like i need to make the contact with the people and then set up a time for both of us and her mom to go to the places or it wont ever happen.

As a person she is slowly fading away and resigning herself to this existence - its so frustrating I wish I could do something about it and I guess thats why I am up reading CL at 12:45am!


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## StaceyRosado (Oct 5, 2007)

*Re: Friend in need*

this is the one place I found that I am SO hoping works out

http://southjersey.craigslist.org/grd/1634908505.html

"6 stall horse barn self care only water and electric out to barn $500 a month "

And then she can move in with her mother till she can work out a more permanent home for herself and the goats.

Please be praying with me ray: I contacted them to see if we can come over and see if the place will suit

My friend's place is where i board my bucks - so I have a lot riding on this too. I dont want to have to sell them :sigh:


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## cdtrum (Aug 25, 2008)

*Re: Friend in need*

Oh Stacey....what a great friend you are :hug: ......finding myself in a bad situation several years ago I can say there is only so much you can do, she ultimatly has to be the one to stand on her own 2 feet and get out of her current situation which can become very frustrating for you.....but being so supportive and encouraging to her is very good. I had the wonderful loving support and help of my family and friends, but I was the one that had to take the leap and make things happen.

Back then I had to give up my dogs and cats, which is the only animals I had.....it was so very hard and heartbreaking, but I also had 2 small children to think of.......I have to say looking back, that time of my life was sooooo liberating! I am so thankful that I did it and learned to stand on my own, although it was such a scary and uncertain time.....it made me a much more stronger, independent woman.

Hang in there and I pray for your friend to find her way and to be able to keep her goats...... when I was going through it, I would pray and pray every day and night for the good Lord to show me the way.....God is good!


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## StaceyRosado (Oct 5, 2007)

*Re: Friend in need*

that person emailed me back -- said goats are fine!! barn recently had a new roof put on and it already has fencing -- now to see if it has electric fencing as well or if we need to put cattle pannels up (its only rail fencing).

Oh my I am feeling so overwhelmed with this offer - God is so good.

Then another offer came in from my request for a land to lease -- said she can fence in 2 acres for goats with a 10x10 shed on 20some acres of land. dont know about water or electric but wow God just keeps saying I will provide!

He told me last night that it would all work out but I was having trouble believing Him -- oh me of little faith!

its not a done deal but its progress. She didnt think it was possible -- here I can show her it is possible!  so its a step in the right direction. I am stoked


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## creekbottomgoats (Dec 3, 2009)

*Re: Friend in need*

Praise God!! Ask and you shall receive...

God Bless you Stacey. I will be praying for you and your friend.

Connie


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## StaceyRosado (Oct 5, 2007)

*Re: Friend in need*



creekbottomgoats said:


> Praise God!! Ask and you shall receive...
> 
> God Bless you Stacey. I will be praying for you and your friend.
> 
> Connie


thank you -- each step in the right direction is a blessing and she needs every prayer she can get to take those steps


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## OhCee (Feb 26, 2010)

*Re: Friend in need*

That's great  I'll be praying for you and your friend (and the goaties!) for sure!


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## sweetgoats (Oct 18, 2007)

*Re: Friend in need*

Stacey, I will be praying for your friend. It is hard to take that leap and leave whatever she is in. It is scary to do so, but I will pray that the lord will give her the strength to do what is best for her. I will pray that she will ask him for guidance and she will receive his help. ray: ray:


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## StaceyRosado (Oct 5, 2007)

*Re: Friend in need*

I just spoke with her -- gave her some good news and she says she is going to do it. So I am real excited. This means a whole new life for her.
She has another place she is looking at thats real promising - its so God working this out for her. I just pray it happens soon before she gets cold feet. I am not the only one telling her this. Her brother says let me know I will help you move the goats, her mom is like move in with me 

What blessing

Thank you guys for your prayers.


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## toth boer goats (Jul 20, 2008)

*Re: Friend in need*

ray: :hug: That is terrific.... :clap: :leap:  :wahoo: :stars:


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## myfainters (Oct 30, 2009)

*Re: Friend in need*

That is great news!! I hope that it works out for her and I'm praying that the Lord will give her the strength to make this huge decision!


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## WalnutGroveFarm (Sep 27, 2008)

*Re: Friend in need*

Stacey you are such a great friend to her. Prayers that she can make this decsion and go through with it.


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## StaceyRosado (Oct 5, 2007)

*Re: Friend in need*

Right now she wants to get legal council before she makes any final decision but she is still going to go through with it. Just wants to make sure she doesnt do something stupid that will bite her in the end.


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## StaceyRosado (Oct 5, 2007)

*Re: Friend in need*

:sigh: she is staying :GAAH: why cant she see 

Lord please help her see he wont change no matter how much he says he will ray:


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## 4kids (Jul 21, 2009)

*Re: Friend in need*

Stacey- that is so hard. Is this the friend that recently lost a loved one also? The best thing you can do is be a supportive friend. Love her through it all! I am sure she feels everyone is judging her. Be her rock! I had this happen to a good friend and it was heartbreaking to watch!!!!!


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## StaceyRosado (Oct 5, 2007)

one in the same - thanks Jen I am just having a hard time being up beat for her when she keeps shooting herself in the foot! its like enough already.

She keeps saying how she will have to sell out of her goats or sell down to just a couple (she even has less then me now)-- but her daughter can have 3 horses.....how is that fair. UGH it drives me insane


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## 4kids (Jul 21, 2009)

I noticed in my friend's case there was a part of her that enjoyed (in the sickest way) being "punished". Not always physically, but verbally or sometimes just having to do without something. She almost felt she wasn't worth more or that others deserved better. It was very hard to keep being a support when part of the issue was a mindset that had developed long before she began a relationship. Agh! I feel your pain.


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## StaceyRosado (Oct 5, 2007)

I think thats the case too

seh says "I am dead inside he cant hurt me" UH YES HE CAN! obviously he is hurting her or she wouldnt be sharing it with me. But her mindset is that its ok, I just have to deal with it. 

anyway I am workign on a plan with her now -- well lets just say I am suggesting another idea that may fit into her new decision but keep the peace.


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## bleatinghearts (Feb 26, 2010)

You've been so caring and supportive. I hope she reallized what a friend she has. Sometimes, when our lifes fall apart and crash down around us we don't reallize how much of a drain it has on others that are trying so hard to help. You have lost alot of sleep over your dear friends hardship. Your a wonderful friend.


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## farmergal (Jun 19, 2009)

Oh this is such a sad story. I will be praying for your friend. It is so frustrating when people can't see that they deserve better than their current situation... and when there are so many opportunities that you've shown her to help her make a change... that must be really hard.

But, if there is a bright side, it's that you're her friend and you're committed to helping her get through this! Hopefully she'll realize what a supportive community she has in you and her mom, and decide to make a change for the better.


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## sweetgoats (Oct 18, 2007)

Stacey, PLEASE try to understand where she is. You are so lucky you have never been there. I am talking from experience. Not ME per say but my mom. 

Stacey (I will try to make this quick), when my parents divorced when I was younger, my mom tried everything to keep things as normal as she could for us kids. So doing that she married a drunk that use to beat the tar out of her all the time. She felt like she had to stay with him because he helped provide for us kids. She did not thinks she could handle it all on her own. Stacey, be broke her knee caps, ribs, broke her jaw, OK I am sure you get the just of it. But it was not until her started to (I will not get into it) with me, that my dad stepped in and won custody of us kids and then my mom finally felt like she could leave him.

What I am getting at is, she THINKS she has to stay there. Please do not take it personal that she will not leave. Now I am not saying he is hitting her becasue I have no idea, but, it being verbal or Physical, it is still the same. She needs help and you being there and being her friend is a lot. 

She will not leave until SHE fells she is ready. Just keep praying for her and try to get her to church with you, and then maybe then she can talk to your Pastor.

I sure will be praying for her and you.


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## 4kids (Jul 21, 2009)

I agree with sweetgoats. It has to be her "choice". No amount of convincing will do unless SHE decides to make a change. I know- I have tried (and I am quite good at debating). I think you are a wonderful friend and just keep up the good work. God can (and does) do amazing things just not always on our schedule!


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## StaceyRosado (Oct 5, 2007)

4kids said:


> I agree with sweetgoats. It has to be her "choice". No amount of convincing will do unless SHE decides to make a change. I know- I have tried (and I am quite good at debating). I think you are a wonderful friend and just keep up the good work. God can (and does) do amazing things just not always on our schedule!


yes he does

I know it has to be her idea -- and I was so thinking she was there, but I guess not.

she is not upset that she thinks she made me upset. and i told her that I wasnt upset because she made me so but because the bible tells us to bear one anothers burdens and that is what I plan on doing so yah I will get upset at her situation but I wont stop being her friend no matter what she decides.


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## farmergal (Jun 19, 2009)

sweetgoats said:


> What I am getting at is, she THINKS she has to stay there. Please do not take it personal that she will not leave. Now I am not saying he is hitting her becasue I have no idea, but, it being verbal or Physical, it is still the same. She needs help and you being there and being her friend is a lot.
> 
> She will not leave until SHE fells she is ready.


This is so true and so honest. My parents also divorced, but it took plenty of smashed glasses, gates, walls, desks, etc., before my mom realized it really had to end. She stuck it out longer than she should have on our account. It's so challenging because there's so much guilt, and everyone always talks about 2-parent households, and somehow you feel like a failure for not having one, even if in your case a 1-parent household would be better. It's also so scary to think of being on your own with no spouse safety net because then you are the ONLY one responsible for whatever happens.

In my case, we kids were SO grateful when our parents finally separated... but it had to happen on my mom's time... not ours, which was hard for all of us, even though she was sticking it out with the intention of helping us... if that makes sense. Anyway, that's some of the mentality that I came across when talking to my mom about it at the time, and years later... Sweetgoats really said it perfectly.


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## StaceyRosado (Oct 5, 2007)

at what point do I just stop making any encouragement for leaving?

I stay her friend no matter what but what is my role? at what point do I stand by and just watch and say thats her decision I tried everything?


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## farmergal (Jun 19, 2009)

This is just my opinion, and it totally depends on the individual person, and what her personality is like etc (like some people if you try to convince them to do something will do the exact opposite!). But I would say... keep praying for her... and if you believe that she should leave, don't stop telling her that, or even just say "well, you know how I feel about it" if she talks to you about it... just realize that she will have to do it on her own time, and that you will be there to make things as good as possible in the meanwhile. I don't know how bad it is but if it ever gets to the point of being really dangerous, you and her mom might have to step in with some kind of intervention because some people can't actually bring themselves out of it on their own. (I had to take a friend to a check-in mental health hospital once, I had tried and tried to help her, and in the end she needed more help and knowledge than I could give. It was awful but I think saved her life.)

:hug: and ray: to you and your friend. This is such an awful spot to be in and my heart just aches for you both! And I personally will be saying an extra thanks and ray: to God that there are people out there like you who care so much about making other peoples' lives better!


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## 4kids (Jul 21, 2009)

I think you never stop saying "there are options should you need to take them". Is she married or just in a relationship? other children? Are they young? These are the things I would talk with her about. Maybe outside support? Church? or just being a friend to do things with. I don't think I would give up but don't make her feel condemmed either because she may pull back from you (and it sounds like you are good support for her). Just my humble opinion...


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## StaceyRosado (Oct 5, 2007)

4kids said:


> I think you never stop saying "there are options should you need to take them". Is she married or just in a relationship? other children? Are they young? These are the things I would talk with her about. Maybe outside support? Church? or just being a friend to do things with. I don't think I would give up but don't make her feel condemmed either because she may pull back from you (and it sounds like you are good support for her). Just my humble opinion...


I can easily be come judgemental and I dont want to do that  :sigh:

maybe she thinks I already have duno :shrug:


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## StaceyRosado (Oct 5, 2007)

farmergal said:


> I don't know how bad it is but if it ever gets to the point of being really dangerous, you and her mom might have to step in with some kind of intervention because some people can't actually bring themselves out of it on their own.


right now I dont think its dangerous physically - but I dont know if she would admit that to me or not. But its very emotional and stressful

thank you guys its all very helpful you have no idea :grouphug:


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## 4kids (Jul 21, 2009)

Stacey- I have been thinking about this situation and I wonder if you could get her a little something to remind her that you care. I know this sounds odd but sometimes it is so comforting to know someone cares- an to have some tangable proof (a trinket or something) may be a way to support her without saying a word.


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## myfainters (Oct 30, 2009)

When there are young children involved.... leaving is usually a last resort... I would refer them to marriage counseling. 

My parents had an awful marriage when I was growing up.... I used to pray to god almost every night that they would get divorced. After I moved out at 18... my mom left my dad.... he freaked out so bad without her that he actually set up marriage counseling and begged her to go and you know what... it took a year but I can honestly say that my dad is a COMPLETELY different man.... He has learned to work through his anger issues and he is actually nice and he has a sense of humor????? WHO KNEW???? 

I was always TERRIFIED of him.... I still get apprehensive around him sometimes but I do believe he has changed and I am glad for both of them that they are back together and HAPPY. 

Marriage is never a fairytale.... it takes work and a lot of compromise. It's always a good idea to have a professional evaluate the situation before you throw in the towel... it can help. There are 2 sides to every story..... my mom learned so much about my dad in counseling which helped her to understand why he reacted so violently to certain things.... 

The problem with that would be getting them both to agree to counseling.... he needs to understand that counselig would not be condemning him but that it would be saving their marriage and making it BETTER. 

Just a thought???


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## Shelly Borg (Nov 2, 2009)

My marriage is being saved by councilling. But even with councilling they can't all be saved. I have a male friend right now who is in a mentally abusive relationship. He called us just 2 days ago and said after 8 year he is leaving her. That night he called back and said they are going to "make it work" he has run his heath into the ground and is in so deep depression we worry about how he copes day to day. Other then to just be here for him there is nothing we can do.  
Giving her a gift is a great idea. We gave our friend a blanket that was polar fleece but hand tied by us. He sleeps under it on the couch every night. The one time she tried to get rid of it he almost slapped her. ( This guy would rather chew off his own hand then hit a lady)


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## PattiXmas (Jan 1, 2010)

Stacy, you are truly a good friend to be so helpful, caring and concerned with your friend. I've been dealing with something similar with my oldest son the past few weeks. He is involved with a totally mean, nasty white trash skanky girl. She has three kids, one is 13 and was taken from her years ago and placed with her mother. She has a 3 yr old that at first she tried telling me was my son's, and then he wasn't. Her mother even says the 3 yr old isn't my son's. Then she has an 18 month old that is my son's, but again, what to believe? 

We "bought" into my son & this woman's life (she is 9 years older then he is) and all it was for a bit was sending money, cribs, etc to "help". She would have my son arrested for "domestic" only for the weekend, making me think it was so she could party. She would then call me, begging me to get him out. I told her at that point that I wouldn't help. I could finally see what she was when I learned that everything I had boughten the boys were returned to the stores so she could have the cash. I know, stupid me for sending it directly from the stores to their home, but I had just had foot surgery and wasn't allowed to walk on my foot for 3 months. When I told her, "You put him there, you get him out" is when the nastiness began. First she started stalking me on the internet, as a matter of fact, she even stalked me to a boston terrier forum I belong to. Even just recently when I finished our website, she stalked me there and left all sorts of "lovely" comments. 

On my son's 16th birthday in August (he's my youngest son), she sent out a lovely email that my oldest son had committed suicide, that he left a note blaming me, blah blah blah. I, of course, was so upset that I did call the police stations, the mortuaries and the hospitals around their area. The police finally located their home address and went there to see that she and my son were both alive and well. So well that they both were laughing. The one officer that called me from the scene was so upset that she was just looking for any reason to arrest her, but unfortunately, there wasn't one.

So, that ended all contact until recently, when my son contacted me once again for help. This time, Psycho (that's what we'll call her) disappeared up north and took the boys. She had gotten her tax refund back (which, I have questions on how someone that does not work, lives on assistance can get a tax refund) and took off. Now, I knew I shouldn't get involved, but as a mother, how can one truly disown one's child? I even told my son how do I know it's not another scam? He sent me some emails from Psycho to their current landlord, showing where Psycho had ran a scam on her. The landlord was in San Diego, and we are in Michigan, so unfortunately for the landlord she believed Psycho and let them move in (this was back in February). I emailed the landlord just to verify and express my concerns and told her I would help in anyway I could.

Well, while Psycho was gone, my son and her mother would call me every few days to see what was going on and to let me know what was happening. All of a sudden, no more calls from son. I saw on "his" myspace that she was home, so I let it go.

Then, the emails to me started again. This time it was my "son" asking me if I would take both boys if Psycho and he placed them with me temporarily. She was in trouble and before CPS took the kids, would I take them? I agreed, but I told them that it would HAVE to go through CPS or the court. I was not going to be a get-away spot from CPS. Psycho agreed - she pretended it was my son sending out the emails. Lovely lady,huh?

Well, I emailed back and was told everything was okay, they could keep the boys. CPS apparently "closed" their file (within a week???). On Friday of that week, we got a call late in the evening from my son. He said psycho had taken off early Friday morning to go pay a deposit on their new apartment and hadn't come back. He had listened in on her voice mail (cell phone in his name, he turned it off so he could access it) and heard a message from her "dealer". He asked me to come get the baby, as the 3 year old had been with her mother for well over a week. Against my husband and my better judgment, we went and picked the baby up. At this time, I learned that my son even though he was on the birth certificate as the father, that she was still married and her husband was the legal father (they haven't been together for at least 10 years). I contacted him and he emailed me a letter stating that he gave his permission for us to pick up the baby. 

On Saturday, all hell broke loose. First thing in the morning, I called CPS' office and talked with the on-call worker. He told me to keep the baby and that he was headed to pick psycho up and take her in for drug testing. I never heard back from this worker. In the meantime, he did tell me to get permission from psycho to have the baby, which I did. Her main concern was what would she tell cps if they asked where he was at. I told her to tell them he was with me so that they could "pack". Like I said, I had called cps first thing in the morning and had told them what had happened. 

We enjoyed spending time with the baby. When we got home Friday night (2 hour trip round way), he vomited buckets. In addition, the poor baby had killer diaper rash. Billy and Becky being the troopers that they are, pitched in and helped with everything. Saturday was a much better day. We had a chance to observe the way the baby acted. At 18 months old, he appeared to not know his name, to do a bit of head banging, to not make eye contact, to not know really how to walk. My fear is that he is autistic and has not been worked with or diagnosed. I spoke with Pyscho's mom who was so happy he was with us. She told me that when the baby was younger, he was on the counter in a bouncy seat and had fallen off, banging his head. Of course he had been scheduled for an MRI which Psycho never took him to. I also learned that he had never been vaccinated.

Saturday afternoon/evening, my son once again shut off the cell phone because psycho was calling her mom and going crazy. Since the phone was off, she decided to demand baby back. This was on the 6th. In her email, she dated that we had to return the baby by 3/03/09!! She was a year behind. We did take the baby back because CPS worker called and said "oops, if you don't bring him back, she can press kidnapping charges". We took baby back, but had the worker met us there. Even though, she had a broken window by her front door (she broke it out so she could get in the house), no milk for the baby (my son gave me the only milk they had Friday night) and a nasty house, we had to leave him.

Oops, this has gotten so long - I'll make it short now. The son has returned to her. I am livid. I can't make him leave, he knows they are trouble together. I've given up on helping him, now I am focused on helping to get those babies out of the house. 

So, I know your frustration all to well. I guess when people are old enough to make their own decisions, you have to let them. In my case though, these two people are attempting to decide the "fate" of the young boys so I will step in and try my best to see that they are removed from such an unstable home as this one. Good luck with your friend. Sometimes people remind me of that stray that kept getting kicked and abused, it will usually stick around but eventually it will snap.


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## 4kids (Jul 21, 2009)

Wow Patti- I feel for you. You are doing the right thing to be there if CPS needs a place for those boys (even if they aren't your son's). I am amazed how many people have dealt either personally or been directly effected by domestic violence and abuse of some kind. Sad really. We can only try to be a support to these people and spread kindness!


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## Di (Jan 29, 2008)

OK, Stacey, I'm still in a cast so I'll make this short,

When I was being mentally/physically abused...I kept thinking "life could be so good IF ONLY...if only he'd quit drinking...if only he'd be less critical...if only (fill in the blank)...she has to stop thinking IF ONLY...and just see things AS THEY ARE...because that is REALITY..."if only" is the FANTACY. 

Is she financially dependant on this guy? Help her see that she can make it without him...but it is a decision she has to make herself...you have to resist being a soundboard for her. You don't need the heartache...it's unfair of her to bring this to you... :hug:


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## cdtrum (Aug 25, 2008)

Stacey.....I am so sorry for what your friend is going through and what stress this is putting on you, but you can't make her leave. It sounds like she is scared of the unknown, primairly the financial aspect I'm sure. When I was going through it my counselor told me that I was a co-dependent, that by staying I was enabling my husband to treat me the way he was.....my counselor was so helpful in getting me to stand up for myself and see the light....if you could get her to see a counselor. Family and friends mean well, but they can not be ojective when so close to the situation. When my family or friends would say something negative about my husband or try to get me to see him for what he was I would start defending him and dig my heels in....I did not want to give up on a 14yr marriage and break my family up.

If you can get her to go see someone, start with family services in your area.....they offer counseling based on your income. They also offer counseling to the kids if they need it......my son went to group counseling, he had such anger issues towards his father.

Hang in there and I will keep your friend in my prayers :hug: .


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## StaceyRosado (Oct 5, 2007)

yup she makes excuses for him all the time -- its real hard but I will keep praying for her

Thank you guys. If she was closer to me and my church we have a great support system and pastors and counselors but I dont know if she would travel over an hour to actually go to any of the meetings  especially since he will only make life more difficult for her if she wasnt home.


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## cdtrum (Aug 25, 2008)

Stacey......I don't know where she is spiritually, but if she is not on the same page as you, trying to get here into church or talking to a pastor might put her off.....I know I was that way until I found my faith, which I found when going through my divorce....it's funny how that works! 

My daughter spent a year in Iraq ( she was there right after the war started and saw more than any 21yr old girl should see, she was in the medical unit) and when she got home she was really at odds with her faith, in fact she was just down right mad at God......My pastor told me not to push her, just plant little seeds that she is not even aware of and that she will finally find her way back......it has been 5yrs and with the birth of her son she is finally getting there! I have prayed for my daughter every night for the past 5yrs, to find her faith again.


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## StaceyRosado (Oct 5, 2007)

no worries there -- we agree on the areas of faith, God, Jesus Christ - the important stuff


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