# Had to post this - W-A-Y to funny not to share......



## kelebek (Oct 5, 2007)

I just had to send this – it is WAY to funny!
~ Allison

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.

The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.


Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.



Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit
I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.



Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.



All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to
give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .

WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.



Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.


The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.


My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.



Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P.S.

My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.


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## FunnyRiverFarm (Sep 13, 2008)

:ROFL: :ROFL: :slapfloor: Why, oh, why?! lololololololl...


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## heathersboers (Sep 5, 2008)

that was soooo funny- My husband would do that-sounds just like him!!! he did do that with a electric bark collar for the dog-except for he tried it on my stepson to see if it worked :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: I'm gonna read this to him when he gets home!!!


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## kelebek (Oct 5, 2007)

you know - that was the FIRST thing out of my mouth was - "that sounds like somehting my hubby would do". He wrote back - without me saying ANYTHING - "I'm not that stupid I would have just used it on Dakota for the test." Dakota is my step son - so I think that all men are realitively the same.

You should have heard the different offices that were opening it. You would just hear a howling laughter as each opened it and was laughing!


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## heathersboers (Sep 5, 2008)

It is so funny what people think of to try stuff out- hey "curiosity killed the cat""- I probably would have been scared the taser would kill the cat- I wouldn't have tried it at all-especially on myself!!


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## AlaskaBoers (May 7, 2008)

wow :roll: , very ..... wow. :ROFL:


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## liz (Oct 5, 2007)

:slapfloor: I about P'd my pants!!! :ROFL: Definately something MY hubby would do.....he also tried the dogs training collar on himself!

THANK YOU Allison!! Best laugh I had in awhile :greengrin:


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## toth boer goats (Jul 20, 2008)

wow........ouch............ :ROFL: ...... wow .............ouch........... :ROFL:


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## heavenlyhaven (Apr 17, 2008)

i'm laughing so hard it hurts
i can just see my son matthew...


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## HollowbeadRanch (Oct 5, 2007)

kelebek said:


> I just had to send this - it is WAY to funny!
> ~ Allison
> 
> ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
> ...


Ok.... that's how far down the post it took me to realize what he would do.... and at the EXACT same moment I had already come to the conclusion that my Hubby would do it too :slapfloor: :slapfloor: :slapfloor:



liz said:


> Definately something MY hubby would do.....he also tried the dogs training collar on himself!


Ok.... Liz our Husbands can NEVER meet! It would be hazardous to our health! My Hubby and a few of his Buddies AND his Father stood in a circle in my yard and took turns shocking each other with one of those darn dog collar shockers to see which one could stand the highest voltage :roll: Very stupid... but VERY amusing for an innocent on looker like myself :slapfloor: MEN!


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## HollowbeadRanch (Oct 5, 2007)

:slapfloor: :slapfloor: :slapfloor: OMG, after reading this to my Husband... he says "Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop is here in Huntsville, AL!"
#1 How funny is that?
#2 How bad is it that my Husband knows all of the local pawn shops by name???
:roll:


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## Di (Jan 29, 2008)

:GAAH: :ROFL: :ROFL: That was LOL funny! Remember ladies (were is Bob?) Men are all the same, they just look different so you can tell them apart!


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## kelebek (Oct 5, 2007)

I am so glad that you all had as much fun with this as I did. I read the responses to DH and he was laughing and said that us women have WAY to much time on our hands....

Now Bob - here is the real test - what do YOU think - :ROFL: :ROFL:


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## HollowbeadRanch (Oct 5, 2007)

:slapfloor: :slapfloor:


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## sweetgoats (Oct 18, 2007)

That was great. I could so seem my DH and DS doing it. :slapfloor:


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## Sonrise Farm (Sep 18, 2008)

If men are actually . . . :ROFL:. . . that stupid . . . :slapfloor: . . . I'm not sure I want to handcuff myself to one . . . :ROFL: for life . . . .


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## creaturesall (Oct 26, 2007)

While it's true I am the guy who was zapped 3 times by my own electric fence 
before I finally twigged to cause and effect, I think that Talitha may be onto 
a deeper truth here. As dough-headed as you gals think this fellow and 
your own DH's to be, someone (_insert own name here_) thought that these 
very fellows were exactly what the Good Lord ordered up as a perfect partner for you! :hug:


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## Sonrise Farm (Sep 18, 2008)

My mom says when God pairs a girl up with a guy he makes both of them alittle blind until about 2 days after the wedding . . . :ROFL: . . .


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## rebelshope (Sep 21, 2008)

Okay, all I can say is at least he left the cat alone. lol

Men!!


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## liz (Oct 5, 2007)

Talitha...I have to say that your mom is a wise lady :wink: 

And creaturesall.....you are soooo right! If it wasn't for me in my DH life....I do think there would have been ALOT of stupid actions on his part...God pairs up specific men and women according to tolerance on the womans part :hug:


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## creaturesall (Oct 26, 2007)

*I apologize for the length of the following, but I thought you might be interested in reading this. My son sent it along to me today, because it struck him as something I, his dear ol' dad, might have written. Please keep in mind, I am an avid NON-HUNTER and spend as much of the fall season as possible, NOT HUNTING. And, for the record, I did not write this.*

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, sweet feed it on corn for a few weeks, then butcher it and eat it. Yum! Corn-fed venison. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer.

Since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not have much fear of me (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck four feet away) it should not be difficult to rope one, toss a bag over its head to calm it down, then hog-tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder and hid behind it with my rope. The cattle, having seen a roping or two before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After 20 minutes, my deer showed up, 3 of them. I picked a likely looking one, stepped out, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell she was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step toward it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and received an education. The first thing I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, it is spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that, pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range, I could fight down with some dignity. A deer? No chance.

That thing ran and bucked, it twisted and pulled. There was no controlling that deer, and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer firmly attached to a rope was not such a good idea. The only upside is that they do not have much stamina.

A brief ten minutes later it was tired, and not as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point, I had lost my appetite for corn-fed venison. I hated the thing, and would hazard a guess that the feeling was mutual. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. But if I let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painful somewhere.

Despite the gash in my head, and several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's pell-mell flight by bracing my head against large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to suffer a slow death.

I managed to get it lined up between my truck and the feeder, a little trap I had set beforehand, like a squeeze chute. I backed it in there, and I started moving forward to get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do!

I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab hold of that rope, and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like a horse, it does not just bite and let go. A deer bites and shakes its head, like a pit bull. They bite HARD and won't let go. It hurts!

The proper reaction when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and wrenching away. My method was ineffective. It felt like that deer bit and shook me for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy gnawing off my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I learned my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up and strike at head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned long ago that when a horse strikes at you with its hooves and you can't get away, the best thing to do is make a loud noise and move aggressively towards the animal. This will cause it to back down a bit, so you can make your escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer. Obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and turned to run.

The reason we have been taught NOT to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer are not so different from horses after all, other than being twice as strong and three times as evil. The second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

When a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately depart. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What it does instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you, while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck, and the deer went away. Now I know why people go deer hunting with a rifle and a scope. It's so they can at least feel somewhat equal to their prey.


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## liz (Oct 5, 2007)

:ROFL: Good one Bob....even though you don't hunt, I know you found the humor in that.....otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here laughing :slapfloor:


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## rebelshope (Sep 21, 2008)

OMGosh was that funny!!


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## creaturesall (Oct 26, 2007)

liz said:


> :ROFL: Good one Bob....even though you don't hunt, I know you found the humor in that....


I surely did. I like to think of that as a joke concerning the foibles of hunters 








as opposed to one about the just to be expected screw-ups 
that are part and parcel of being a man. :wink: 
Still, I expect there are those of you who may disagree :greengrin:


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## toth boer goats (Jul 20, 2008)

To all you men out there reading this......................It's a women thing........but ..........we love ya anyway.................LOL :ROFL: :ROFL: I can't help myself.........you girls are to funny............ :ROFL:


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