# Ex's and Kids...oh fun.



## HoosierShadow (Apr 20, 2010)

Please bare with me as I vent. I needed to get this off my mind it's so frustrating!
I don't want to write a book.... which I am good at doing lol

My 15yo daughter is from my first marriage. I left my ex when she was 10mo. Best move I ever made for us. It was BAD.

In the 14 years he has seen her 3x, he is at least $30,000 behind in child support - he'd rather go to jail than help support her. He disappears, always in trouble & running from the law, in and out of jail, won't keep a job, or address.
On top of that he has 2 little girls with another woman, and I heard the state took the girls because they were unfit parents.

He hasn't seen her since 2009 when he disappeared again, and I decided NO MORE. I will no longer let him in her life, I will protect her for as long as I can.
She knows & says she understands, but I know she is confused, doesn't really know how she should feel, but she says she knows he is not good. She has a learning disability <ADHD> so she is more on a level of thinking like a 12yo with these kind of things.

So last week he tries to befriend me on FB. Imagine my surprise! I found out he'd befriended her and I told her to delete him. She did, but then he befriended her again and started talking to her. 
She asked where he's been, and he said something about he didn't always know where she has been . 
He also told her he had a son 2 years older than her <who I was told was not his son, was his son, not his son, etc.>, and he confused her, she didn't understand how she could have a brother. He had her befriend the boy. When I got on her facebook to check, I saw all of this, and the boy's page. he looks like a gangster! Not someone I want associating with my kids. I deleted that kid, the ex and I blocked him off her page.

So he messages me and asks me why I won't let him talk to 'our daughter.'
As far as I am concerned, his name might be on that birth certificate, but she is NOT his daughter. He gave up that right when he abandoned her how many times? When he supported her or asked when she needed things how many times?
Sending $1 for child support now and then is by means no way of supporting a child!
His whole family is trouble - his brothers in and out of jail, his sisters move around like crazy, and one of them has a kid always in and out of jail. They like Drama, into all that kind of stuff. Again, it's bad, and something I do not want my daughter associating with.

I've asked him to leave her alone, and leave me alone. It's gotten to the point I told him today in my 'last' message to him that he has hurt her enough, and I won't allow it anymore. He won't be in and out of her life when he pleases. Therefore, if he wants communication, he better hire an attorney.
Of course... it'll never happen, and if it did, I don't see him standing a chance not with his track record alone! 
My daughter has a good life here, she has a great roll model for a dad. I'm going to call an attorney tomorrow to go ahead and see about getting full custody <I made it joint custody when I divorced him because I thought he actually wanted to be in her life!>. I also want to see what it will take to get my daughter legally adopted by my husband so she can finally share our last name. She said that is what she wants.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me ramble. I'm just so frustrated. While I love my husband, I can't talk to him about this stuff, he has always acted a bit 'childish' when my ex is involved, Don't understand it, must be a man thing! 
He actually said I was trying to talk to my ex and he caught me sending my 'last' message today. OMG, that man!! :GAAH: He'll get over himself!
But what I was actually trying to do was show him what was going on, what I wrote & that I will not be communicating with him anymore. Enough is enough, and I don't want to waste my time on the matter.


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## ksalvagno (Oct 6, 2009)

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Hopefully you can get it taken care of quickly with getting full custody and your husband adopting her. :hug:


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## Trickyroo (Sep 26, 2012)

Oh Candice , Im so sorry you and your daughter are going through this with your ex  IMO you are 100% right not to want him in your daughters life again ! The poor kid is traumatized enough from just those few correspondences she had with him ! And why in the world would he want her to know her (possible) brother ? I think only to get her in trouble. It doesn't seem like her knowing him would bring anything good to her life. The less drama your daughter experiences with them the better. These things always leave lasting impressions on kids her age and younger. She most likely never thought about him up until he contacted her…..his worlds could twist her thinking , so blocking him on the FB was perfect. I will pray you get full custody of her and your husband can adopt her too. She will have the perfect family then 
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers .
I hope your ex decides to leave your daughter and you alone now.
He must realize he hasn't a chance !


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## kccjer (Jan 27, 2012)

I feel your pain! I lost custody of my boys to my ex (he was undersheriff, his new wife was head dispatcher for police dept, his best friend was the KBI agent...need I say more?) and had to fight for every second of visitation I got. 

While your daughter may "understand" with her head, her heart is another matter. This man is her "father" for what that's worth. But she is still going to question what it would have been like if he'd been around. Be careful with banning her from talking to him or her "brother" because that can create some extreme curiosity in her to actually know them. Think teenager rebellion. If you haven't already, you need to be totally open with her about everything from the past. Exactly why you left, circumstances that did or did not preclude him from seeing her, etc. Even if it is something that you maybe aren't too proud of, you need to be so honest with her...Does that make sense? I've seen so many kids go behind parents backs to get to know the "bad" parent and it ends up with heartache. I'd sure hate to see that happen to you. 

Yep, talk to the attorney. Get full custody. See about adoption by her "dad" and go from there. Just keep in mind that the ex can throw a fit over the adoption and, depending on the state, I think he has to sign off on it. Keep every bit of communication you have from him for proof. 

Good luck. :hug:


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## J.O.Y. Farm (Jan 10, 2012)

Oh I'm so sorry you both have to deal with this...  I've never known my 'father' he never wanted anything to do with me... Idk.. Honestly I never have wanted to know much of him any way... When my parents got married my dad adopted me so I share the same last name now.. This was back 13 years ago... But I do think on things now and then... What ifs and such... But I'm glad I've had no contact with him (he and his family are very messed up too...) I'm so sorry your daughter has him trying to contact her.. I can only imagine..  uh.. Must be hard on her.. Even if she isn't letting on to it..  give her a hug for me... 
I hope it all get settled easily..


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## Trickyroo (Sep 26, 2012)

How heart breaking to hear everyones family stories 
Skyla , you got me crying now chicky  :hug::hug::hug::hug:


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## Trickyroo (Sep 26, 2012)

We should all go for coffee right about now……or maybe a drink.
For you Skyla , a coke


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## Mamaboyd (Oct 10, 2013)

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have 2 children from a previous relationship and have been and still is, in your type of situation. Just be honest with your daughter with past history, and although it hurts to see them want some type of relationship, they will eventually see what their other parent for what they really are. It truly stinks and I am sending you lots of virtual hugs!! :hug:


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## J.O.Y. Farm (Jan 10, 2012)

Eh, don't worry none about me Laura  it doesn't bother me.. I know what kinda people they are... No good!


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## goathiker (Apr 14, 2011)

When my older sister was in this situation, she was able to trade the back child support that was due for him signing the release paper. He no longer owed a debt and had no rights at all to the child.


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## HoosierShadow (Apr 20, 2010)

Thanks so much everyone I appreciate it.

Skyla, I am so sorry you went through that  At least you know who he is, and that you are not missing anything 

You know, after thinking about it last night, I do have FULL custody lol He just has visitation rights under my discretion. It's been a very VERY long time since I've had to think about the custody thing, it happened so many years ago and I've had no reason to think about it until now. The papers are filed away so deeply, I don't even know where to look for them! Sad I know. I may contact the court house today and see if I can get another copy, beats dragging all my papers/binders out.
I know when I got divorced & filed for custody, I made sure I had full control of all decisions for her.

I've told her a lot about the past, and about things I have heard lately <all reliable sources, not hearsay type of stuff - a lot from the county attorney's office>. 
When he first started contacting her I checked his page to see what he was saying, and I saw a post from his ex girlfriend about the 2 girls being taken away, so when the county attorney said he had a warrant out for his arrest from that county, I gathered it was because he was not taking care of the kids/child support.

I won't lie to my daughter about him. He's had so many chances to get it right, and just won't do the right thing.

The only things I've ever asked of him after he kept disappearing was:
1. keep the child support payments up/stay out of trouble with the law
2. keep a job for at least 6 months at a time
3. keep an address for at least 6 months at a time

That's it. That's all I've ever asked. The last time I let him see her, and call her, etc. I went against the 3 things I asked above. I thought okay, he's with this other girl, has a kid, maybe now he is getting his act straight.
But guess not.

I just don't know what crazy thoughts he has in his head thinking he can just waltz into her life 5 years later as if he has any rights to do so? Makes me so mad all over again  
I know I shouldn't dwell on it, but still, it's so upsetting. She is an easily hurt child, and easily confused child. Again, she is 15, but her rate at understanding these things is much younger. She just doesn't understand a lot of things she is told, she doesn't understand how she should accept or deal with situations. So the waltzing in & out of her life affects her greatly. Thankfully she isn't anything like depressed, she's easy going and the only drama I have with her is sibling rivalries lol


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## kccjer (Jan 27, 2012)

Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job as a mom! There were times in my situation where it was hard for ME to understand what was going on, let alone kids understanding. As long as you know your case number, the court office will have no problem getting a copy of your papers. It will just take them a little longer to find it by name only. I like the idea of trading back support for signing the adoption papers...go for it.


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## Trickyroo (Sep 26, 2012)

Candice , it helps to talk about it and get it off your chest.
I found out long ago that animal people ( us ) have a greater understanding of feelings and emotions. We have a better grip on things then most people in the world , lol. At least I keep telling myself that.
Yeah , I know , I'm certifiable  When you hear other peoples responses to situations you start to realize your opinions and feelings are the same. Your not alone either. If you didn't talk about it , you might not have known that  Since you have full custody of your daughter anyways , go after him for the money. Maybe once you start hounding him ( and be brutal ) he will back off and stop contacting her.
Once you figures out you will go after him tooth and nail every time he contacts her , he will stop. Prayers your daughter gets through this unscathed and rises above all the drama. I guess the sibling rivalry doesn't seem so bad  Next time they have a spat , step back and think , life is good


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## goatygirl (Feb 16, 2013)

This might just be a good learning experience for her. Knowing why you are keeping her away instead of her being mad, she knows who she does not want to be like or be around.


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## Chadwick (Jan 24, 2014)

On behalf of terrible guys I apologize, I never knew why guys do this! I grew up with seven step dads all of them could be the main character in your story! It has made me a very intentional and caring father and husband.

I am also ADHD and please do not consider it a learning disability! Never let your daughter hear anything but love come out of your mouth! ADHD kids do have a Peter Pan outlook, but a huge percentage have far above normal IQ. These years you are in are the hardest for ADHD she will get attacked from all angles, the best thing you can do is not be one of those angles. Give support and strength. When she learns to harness that energy into good and the crazy of puberty is over she will be bright and unstoppable! ADHD on the right path can be a very successful combo, get her something she loves to direct all that into, and eventually all will be good and you will see how strong this "problem" has made her.

Just my advice from being an extreme case and having made it to 34 yrs old! You can take it or leave it!


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## goatygirl (Feb 16, 2013)

Just my thought


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## goatygirl (Feb 16, 2013)

Chadwick said:


> On behalf of terrible guys I apologize, I never knew why guys do this! I grew up with seven step dads all of them could be the main character in your story! It has made me a very intentional and caring father and husband.
> 
> I am also ADHD and please do not consider it a learning disability! Never let your daughter hear anything but love come out of your mouth! ADHD kids do have a Peter Pan outlook, but a huge percentage have far above normal IQ. These years you are in are the hardest for ADHD she will get attacked from all angles, the best thing you can do is not be one of those angles. Give support and strength. When she learns to harness that energy into good and the crazy of puberty is over she will be bright and unstoppable! ADHD on the right path can be a very successful combo, get her something she loves to direct all that into, and eventually all will be good and you will see how strong this "problem" has made her.
> 
> Just my advice from being an extreme case and having made it to 34 yrs old! You can take it or leave it!


I agree. I've have ADD scene fourth grade, but I'm more mature than all the kids in my class. I think older then everyone in my class, but people don't understand that because I don't know how to tell them. I actually have friends that did not know I was 13 until I told them. That is like that with all my ADD and ADHD friends.


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## Chadwick (Jan 24, 2014)

I never got along with kids I was always happier talking to seniors I was a kid who would rather talk to your great grandfather than you!


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## goatygirl (Feb 16, 2013)

Yes. I am really smart only if its a subject that I like I will try harder. I can think of answers but I never can say then fast enough that's why lots of kids in my grade think I'm stupid but I'm not, i just can't think fast.


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## NyGoatMom (Jan 26, 2013)

I hear ya on the support....mine owes $122,007.69.....seriously.


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## toth boer goats (Jul 20, 2008)

I am so sorry.


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## HoosierShadow (Apr 20, 2010)

You all are so wonderful, Thank You for your support and understanding ♥♥♥
It's painful to think back on the last days of our marriage, and how he just basically abandoned us and gave me no choice but to leave. He was definitely not the man I married 

Sorry, I don't mean that ADHD people are all handicap, I know better than that  My daughter has ADHD, but she also has a learning handicap. She can't read on level, she reads more on an elementary level <she's a freshman>, she is doing better, and I know she'll continue to do well. Her favorite subject is Math.
She does okay with kids her age, but she never asks to go out with them, have someone sleep over, etc. I keep telling her to invite her best friend to go to the movies or sleep over, I really need to push the issue, maybe next weekend 

Knowing my ex he'll try to make a big deal about signing anything over to me. He doesn't care about the child support. BUT, I will contact an attorney and see if we can do it.
I am pretty sure the attorney that handled my divorce is still here, so I will contact him.

I'll make sure I get the case # before I try to get any copies, thanks for that advice!


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