# I've been fighting with my mom and need advice.



## Lucky_072508 (Jul 22, 2011)

I'm 24 and still live at home with my parents. We live on a 31 acre farm and in a couple of weeks my fiancé is moving in with us. The plan is for my fiancé and I to live in my parents' house with them for awhile after we are married, until we have enough money saved to build a house. The plan is to build on the property.
I usually get along well with my parents, but lately it's been a bit rough. She has started this new thing where she bashes me to my fiancé. Like she'll take things about me that she knows already irritate him and she'll start off with "I hope you know what you're getting into" and then she'll harp on my negative points and she'll laugh about it as if it's funny to humiliate me.
Then 2 days ago she was fighting with my dad, and what usually happens happened. She turned on me and took out her anger on me. I was cleaning the bathroom and she started screaming in my face and yelling for me to clean the bathroom, even tho that's what I was already doing. I asked her why she has to yell at me and make me feel small, then she got in my face and was yelling that it was my fault I was in trouble. I asked her to leave the room, she said no, so I walked away. As I was walking away she started calling me a b**ch and making other nasty comments about me. Her favorite things to call me are lazy, slob, pig, brat, and the b-word. I was sitting in my room as she started throwing my clothes basically in a pile at my door so I left the house and sat in the turkey house and cried until my fiancé came home. 
Later on another fight erupted between me and my mom and she did a combo of yelling/name calling/ insulting/and exaggerating on my negatives to the point where it was almost a complete lie. I wound up yelling back and after it was done I started crying again and didn't want my fiancé to see so I told him to just go home (I was preparing for him to break up with me, honestly) and I ran off into the woods. I was going to punch the crap out of a tree which is what I do when I get really upset, but I had work the next day and I wouldn't have been able to explain why my hand was a mess. My fiancé found me and he was upset that my mom acted like that and I also found out that after he set out to look for me, my parents locked us out and left (the locking out was intentional, they knew I was outside and upset). He made me feel better but I finally broke down. Normally I don't talk about my feelings, at all, but I did. I told him that I can handle when she treats me like this when it's just me but the fact that she does it front of him makes me worried that one day he is going to start believing all of the things she says about me and he'll leave. I also said that I'm starting to believe that I am as awful as she makes me feel. 
It's hard. When we're getting along, which we do 75% of the time, things are great. But then she gets in these moods. I don't know how to handle it. Any attempt I make to explain to her how it made me feel just starts another fight.
This has to get better. If it doesn't, my fiancé has said that he won't want to build on the property, and he also won't want our kids around her. I can't tell her this. It would really hurt her feelings and it wouldn't accomplish anything.
I just really need advice...I'm stressed and depressed over it all and it sucks. 
Sorry for the long rant!


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## Scottyhorse (Feb 11, 2013)

So sorry you and your mom are going through this.  :hug: Would it be possible to move into where your fiance is?


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## happybleats (Sep 12, 2010)

Im sorry...sounds like things are very stressed there...might be you and mom need a time out from each other...sometimes growing pains ( you growing up) can be painful to mom too..and scary...BUT there is no reason EVER for anyone, no matter who they are to curse and belittle another...It might be good to hold off on plans to build for a while...find an affordable place to move and give that needed space...
I dont know how old mom is..but hormonal changes can make a person mean, this is no way an excuse, but perhaps a reason..the added stress of you growing up and moving on with your life, marriage, boyfriend moving in ect... might make this worse. 
At the very lease when mom is in this mood, go take a walk, go to town, but leave for a while so you are not the target. Your boyfriend might do the same when mom begins bashing you to him..excuse himself and leave...there is no reason for either of you to stick around and hear that..Just walk away...


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## ksalvagno (Oct 6, 2009)

You may want to think really hard if it is worth it to live with your parents and build a house on the property. If you don't own the piece of land you build on, they can take it away from you.


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## happybleats (Sep 12, 2010)

I agree with Karen. Cutting the apron strings can be hard and scary...but it also can make your relationshp with our mom a whole lot better..


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## toth boer goats (Jul 20, 2008)

It seems your mother is very mad about the whole situation. If I am getting this correctly, you are pregnant right? That can be very stressful to some parents. Some take it very hard. Either they are very angry or they are very happy.

You are already feeling the pain of what it will be like, it will only get worse,when your fiance moves in there and you may get kicked out, if it is their property. 
If you build a house, it will be devastating for what you put into it. But I do see this down the road, unless you have a contract in your favor.

I highly recommend that the both of you find another place to live and maybe buy a house for yourself. 

Your mother should not talk to you the way she does, but it could be too, she is going through menopause, which gives very bad mood swings.

I don't know both sides but, what I am hearing is, you are better off going on your own and starting a new life elsewhere.


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## goathiker (Apr 14, 2011)

If there's one thing I've learned after almost 30 years of marriage...It's never ever ever move in with family. It doesn't work and the hurt from the fighting lasts a lifetime. Even if you have to get a camp trailer to live in for now, you will be so much happier.


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## Axykatt (Feb 1, 2013)

No one should call you names. Name calling is completely unproductive and is abusive. Someone who calls you names only wants to bring you down; they aren't trying to help you be better.

I know it's your mom, but that doesn't make the behavior more appropriate. Unless you have no other options I wouldn't recommend building on your family's land or moving in with your parents. The stress will eventually cause a rift you may never be able to heal. It's much better to hurt her feelings a little now, than deal with the abuse until you eventually no longer want a relationship with each other.


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## kccjer (Jan 27, 2012)

Hon, I've been in your shoes. Even at 50+ years, my mother is not always my friend. Do NOT move in with your parents. Find a place of your own. I know it's going to be hard because money is tight, but the last place you need to try and start a relationship is under a roof that is not accepting of you. Re-evaluate building on the land your parents own....unless you are buying it (and then get a mortgage thru someone besides them) or it is deeded over to you. I know it is hard to cut the "apron strings" but you are going to have to do it because your mother won't. Good luck.


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## milk and honey (Oct 31, 2010)

I agree that it sounds menopausal...it's such a crazy, difficult time... I will pray for you and your fiancé and mom..


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## Jessica84 (Oct 27, 2011)

Not taking sides at all. But my now husband also moved in with my family before we got married. His family was messed up and rented out his bed room when he was 17. Any ways me and my mom also fought more than usual. Now that I'm older and wiser  it is very hard to have a new person enter the house. They say the best way to loose a friend is to rent a place together. I also agree with menapause I think my mom was going threw it and my bad hormonal PMS didn't help either. But bottom line is it is hard to adjust to someone entering your home and family....I'm realizing that with my brothers.girlfriend. if you don't want to leave.the place I totally get that I never want to leave this place that is my....well actually my dads and uncles.....but that's the case that you don't want to leave I would try the trailer idea. See if.actually not being under the same roof will help. It will give you a idea of what it would be like to build on the place before you put all that money into it. 
Another thing.....money might play a roll in her attitude as well. I know it doesn't seem like food and such is that much but does add up when there is a extra mouth to feed. If you want to stay in the house maybe offer to help with paying bills.
I know it seems I'm picking her side.....not at all just trying to figure out why the sudden change. I would still really consider the trailer idea and to also save money so if it doesn't work out your prepared to rent a place.


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## enchantedgoats (Jun 2, 2013)

I also say menopause. I was still at home when my mother was going through it and i ended up going to a college 1000 miles away. My dad asked me what i was running from, and i never had the heart to tell him. She was very sneaky with her hissy fits. He never knew till his dying day what a witch she was. DO NOT MOVE YOUR BOYFRIEND IN WITH YOUR MOTHER. PITCH ATENT IF YOU HAVE TO.


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## milkmaid (Sep 15, 2010)

Oh wow, I am sorry!  My parents have always said it's best for a couple to live alone, NOT with parents. I agree with what the others are saying - you and your husband need to run your own home, even if it's a camper trailer. :hug:


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## kccjer (Jan 27, 2012)

Ok, I'm going to defend the menopausal women out there! Menopause does NOT cause someone to act like that. Yes, we go thru hormonal changes which can cause some issues for us. BUT.....even my mother (who can be a total bitch) did not change like that due to menopause. It is something in their core personality that is that way. It may show up more at certain times, but it is not something that will go away or change (unless there is some life-altering event).


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## ksalvagno (Oct 6, 2009)

Read through this thread.

http://www.thegoatspot.net/forum/f216/yes-rant-but-you-might-learn-something-154932/


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## awshucksgoatfarmvt (May 11, 2012)

Lucky_072508 said:


> I'm 24 and still live at home with my parents. We live on a 31 acre farm and in a couple of weeks my fiancé is moving in with us. The plan is for my fiancé and I to live in my parents' house with them for awhile after we are married, until we have enough money saved to build a house. The plan is to build on the property.
> I usually get along well with my parents, but lately it's been a bit rough. She has started this new thing where she bashes me to my fiancé. Like she'll take things about me that she knows already irritate him and she'll start off with "I hope you know what you're getting into" and then she'll harp on my negative points and she'll laugh about it as if it's funny to humiliate me.
> Then 2 days ago she was fighting with my dad, and what usually happens happened. She turned on me and took out her anger on me. I was cleaning the bathroom and she started screaming in my face and yelling for me to clean the bathroom, even tho that's what I was already doing. I asked her why she has to yell at me and make me feel small, then she got in my face and was yelling that it was my fault I was in trouble. I asked her to leave the room, she said no, so I walked away. As I was walking away she started calling me a b**ch and making other nasty comments about me. Her favorite things to call me are lazy, slob, pig, brat, and the b-word. I was sitting in my room as she started throwing my clothes basically in a pile at my door so I left the house and sat in the turkey house and cried until my fiancé came home.
> Later on another fight erupted between me and my mom and she did a combo of yelling/name calling/ insulting/and exaggerating on my negatives to the point where it was almost a complete lie. I wound up yelling back and after it was done I started crying again and didn't want my fiancé to see so I told him to just go home (I was preparing for him to break up with me, honestly) and I ran off into the woods. I was going to punch the crap out of a tree which is what I do when I get really upset, but I had work the next day and I wouldn't have been able to explain why my hand was a mess. My fiancé found me and he was upset that my mom acted like that and I also found out that after he set out to look for me, my parents locked us out and left (the locking out was intentional, they knew I was outside and upset). He made me feel better but I finally broke down. Normally I don't talk about my feelings, at all, but I did. I told him that I can handle when she treats me like this when it's just me but the fact that she does it front of him makes me worried that one day he is going to start believing all of the things she says about me and he'll leave. I also said that I'm starting to believe that I am as awful as she makes me feel.
> ...


Your mom may be scared she is going to loose you, she may be going through memopause which can really stress her out. You are old enough to know that there are things that go on in ones life that others have no clue to. Even in the same house hold................just look at the news.
When it is ONLY the two of you ask he what is really wrong and why she is acting the way she is..........tell her you want to understand. Also make it clear in a kind way that that you care and wish to make life easier for her and your dad while you are there. Don't give up easily, try to make her realize that you are excited about moving on and having your own home and that you look forward to her advice.........
The idea of you living there till you have money for your own home s NOT REALISTIC unless you both have a very good income, by which you should also be paying for have of the food, fuel, taxes that go with living with another , 
OR, kind other living arrangements like shared housing with others in the same situation as yourself. Believe me stay with your parents for that length of time is not fair to anyone. They raised you and it is now time for them have their own space....they deserve, as for you ........the two of you deserve a happy place to grow and take care of yourselves. 
I have five children 33 to 55 years old and if they told me they wish to stay home till they could afford a place of their own I would respond ARE YOU NUTS "AND" than say you have one year to get your act together and off you go out of the nest. If you were to get pregnant during that time NOTHING would change as it would be all the more important you and your hubby have a place of YOUR OWN 
I wish you the best, as well as your parents............no one said life is always eay


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## Goats Rock (Jun 20, 2011)

I have to agree with those that said, find your own place. Yes, it will be scary, and it is hard to break away, but it will be better for all those involved,
especially you and your fiancé! 

It also sounds like your mother might need to get some professional help to control her temper. It may be a medication that would work for her, or 
just talking to a counselor. 

Good luck to you!


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## sweetgoats (Oct 18, 2007)

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

As I was reading this all I kept thinking was "you have to move out". I would not at all stay in a place that stressed me out like this. I am sure you all are living there to save money and all but the stress of it all is NOT worth it. Hun pack up and go. She might come to realize what she is doing and then again she might not think she is doing anything wrong. I had a step mother that was like that and well lets just say she died a very loanly person. Not even her own girls would talk to her. 

When she would put her hair in braids, we all new we better watch out. really she turned into the Devil. Mean and hateful. 

Good luck, if you ever need someone to talk to just PM me and I will give you my number. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}, I am so sorry hun you are having to deal with this.


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## awshucksgoatfarmvt (May 11, 2012)

kccjer said:


> Ok, I'm going to defend the menopausal women out there! Menopause does NOT cause someone to act like that. Yes, we go thru hormonal changes which can cause some issues for us. BUT.....even my mother (who can be a total bitch) did not change like that due to menopause. It is something in their core personality that is that way. It may show up more at certain times, but it is not something that will go away or change (unless there is some life-altering event).


From a medical point of view I highly recommend you do some medical research on menopause..................true most women don't even know they are having the change and to others the hormonal imbalance can be very devistating to those around the individual as well as to them selves. 
Many women begin drinking, to try to calm the turmoil going on inside their bodies. Please, if you wish to help some one know more about what you are talking about before assuming ......................just because you or those in your family had an easy time of it, there are others going through pure hell........................I do not wish to offend by saying this


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## kccjer (Jan 27, 2012)

awshucksgoatfarmvt said:


> From a medical point of view I highly recommend you do some medical research on menopause..................true most women don't even know they are having the change and to others the hormonal imbalance can be very devistating to those around the individual as well as to them selves.
> Many women begin drinking, to try to calm the turmoil going on inside their bodies. Please, if you wish to help some one know more about what you are talking about before assuming ......................just because you or those in your family had an easy time of it, there are others going through pure hell........................I do not wish to offend by saying this


I did NOT have an easy time of it. Nor did my mother. But menopause (and I've got a medical background) does NOT cause that kind of behavior in MOST women. The name calling, etc tends to be more dementia related. Yes...hormones can mess up your life. I could NOT do birth control because it made me impossible to live with (and I do mean impossible...I couldn't stand living with me)...but....I NEVER spoke to my kids that way. My mother was a witch and you didn't want to make her mad, but she never spoke to any of us kids in that manner. If you actually read this young lady's post all the way thru, she mentions that when her Mom fights with her dad she turns on the daughter (and she says...."like usual") THAT is not a menopause thing. I really hate when everyone dismisses a woman who is acting this way as being "hormonal". There are many, many other things that make women (and men) act like this.


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## milkmaid (Sep 15, 2010)

Whether menopause or not, it's not right or healthy and, if possible, she needs to find something that will correct it. Can you talk to her while she's in a good mood?


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## Trickyroo (Sep 26, 2012)

Get out honey , you and your man find a place to stay and save , regardless how hard it will be . You cannot live in a environment like that and expect to keep your sanity. For the health of you , your baby and your relationship of your baby's daddy , get out.
You may not be able to save enough for a home of your own . But at least you will be able to raise your family in a better environment.
God Bless and take care of yourself .


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## Lucky_072508 (Jul 22, 2011)

Thank you for your replies. 

First off, I am not pregnant. The reference to children was in regards to our future children. 
Here is some background info on my relationship with my parents. My parents have had a rocky marriage for as long as I can remember. My dad cheated on her when I was 4 or 5, my brother found out (he was 10) and told my mom and (coincidentally or not) my dad started beating on my brother for a few years. I remember my mom just standing there and I know she felt helpless. My brother went to prison a few years later and my dad turned on me. He didn't hit me but he terrorized me emotionally whenever my mom wasn't around. The one time I tried to call her for help he threw my phone against the wall and called me a b**ch. From age 12 up until 3 years ago he would routinely threaten to kick me out of the house for really stupid reasons. When my brother came back from prison I guess my dad felt guilty so my brother became the favorite, even though my brother turned extremely abusive towards the entire family. My dad was constantly giving him large amounts of money and even said that he would sacrifice the rest of the family and sell the house to get my brother money. 
When I was 20 my mom had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized. I was in the car with her one day and she almost killed us. She also asked me to take her out back, put her out of her misery and shoot her. A few days later my brother and I had her committed. 
My dad also had a nervous breakdown. His was in 2011. He walked out of the house with a backpack, and things in the backpack to committ suicide. He told my mom and I that his blood was on our hands. He was found the next day and was fine physically. My parents separated at this point for a few months.
I have a normal relationship with my dad now. My parents are back together and get along about 60-70% of the time. But when they do fight, it's bad. My dad doesn't stand up for me when my mom is on my case, and I don't blame him. I'm sure he's just glad that it's not him getting yelled at.
My dad is also terminally ill. His disease is being treated, but it will kill him. His twin brother has it too and is dying.
This is the best I have gotten along with my parents probably ever. There's only maybe 1 big fight every week or 2 which is a lot better than it was.
I don't think my parents are mad about my upcoming marriage or the living situation. It was my parents' idea for us to live here when we're married to save money. It was also their idea (and we happily agreed) for us to build on the property. When we bought the farm, it was a group decision. My fiancé works for my parents on the farm part-time. My parents adore my fiancé and have even set up a bedroom for him for whenever he wants to stay the night. 
Everyone is okay with the living situation. No one had to be persuaded or compromise or anything.
My mom and I do have a good relationship most of the time. When we're fighting it's like she's a totally different person, and I hate that person. I love my mom and because of this and the fact that I KNOW her, it's easy to defend her when we aren't fighting. We have a blast when we're not fighting. We're really goofy, we hang out and shop or play games. We're a normal mother and daughter.
It could be menopause. Silly question, but, she had a hysterectomy. Would she still go through menopause?
This has been going on for years and years tho, so I doubt that would be the whole reason. She was in counseling for several years but stopped 3 years ago when we moved. There would be no way she would return to counseling.
I was also in therapy for years. And was hospitalized in a psych ward when I was 15 after attempting suicide and hurting myself. I spent years completely miserable and battling severe depression.
Except for the fighting with my parents, this is the happiest I have ever been. The days we fight tho bring me right back to my 15 year old self who would do anything to not have to feel.

Sorry for the long ramble. I just wanted to give you an idea of my background with my parents.


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## kccjer (Jan 27, 2012)

Yes, a hysterectomy will force menopause. I know, in part, what you are going thru. My mother is the same way as yours....cept, we've never committed her. When she is in a good mood, she's fantastic...but watch out if she's in one of "her moods". My dad was never physical, but he's very verbal. I have fought depression and low self-esteem for my entire life. I would still recommend NOT moving in with them. Can you afford a mobile home...a used one? You will be much happier with your own place and will be amazed at how much your relationship with your parents will mature when you aren't living with them. My mother and I actually became friends once I moved out (something I would have never dreamed could happen) Good luck hon.


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## milkmaid (Sep 15, 2010)

What a heart-wrenching situation. I can tell you truly love your parents even though it gets rough sometimes! :hug:


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## kramsay (Mar 7, 2013)

First I would like to tell you I am extremely sorry about whats going on with your family, and what has in the past. 

My husband and I live with my parents, so I know first hand it isn't easy! Living with parents can cause so many problems in a marriage and with the relationship you have with your parents. We are coming on two years in the spring since my husband moved in with us. It hasn't been easy by any means. It is really hard to be married and grow up while living with parents. You don't get to make your own choices the way you can on your own. When you an a parent get into it, your husband wants to defend you and that can make things worse. When you and your husband are into it, your parents try to defend you and that makes it hard to have a healthy relationship with your partner. I always seem to be in the middle of my parents and my husband arguments. My parents adore my husband, but it's hard not to find fault in your daughters husband when you are around them all the time. Most parents deep down think that no one is good enough for their daughter. It's really hard to explain. But putting to married couples in a house together would be hard enough, then you add in that one couple is the parents of a spouse in the other, just makes things 10x harder. Your parents are still going to want to parent you. Being a daughter (child) and a wife at the same time.. not the easiest thing in the world, but that's what it seems to turn to when living together. 
I am sorry if that made no sense I am just trying to explain some of the problems I have faced living with my parents. We are in the process of buying land and putting a trailer on it, we will be with in a mile of my parents house but not under their noses anymore, we are both extremely excited to re-start our lives together. 
By no means am I saying it can't be done, we have made it work coming on two years now, but it is hard, on all the relationships in the house. I would sit down and talk to your mom- when she is in a good mood. I would also have a talk with your fiancé. If you could find some property for sale near by it would make growing up and being married easier. Or even if you can buy a parcel of land off of your parents.
I hope I helped you some instead of making things worse, and that you an your entire family can have wonderful relationships in the future.


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## awshucksgoatfarmvt (May 11, 2012)

Carmen, I totally agree, in all cases the lady and he young man should getaway and maybe have her dad help her get help for her mom


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## awshucksgoatfarmvt (May 11, 2012)

Lucky_072508 said:


> Thank you for your replies.
> 
> First off, I am not pregnant. The reference to children was in regards to our future children.
> Here is some background info on my relationship with my parents. My parents have had a rocky marriage for as long as I can remember. My dad cheated on her when I was 4 or 5, my brother found out (he was 10) and told my mom and (coincidentally or not) my dad started beating on my brother for a few years. I remember my mom just standing there and I know she felt helpless. My brother went to prison a few years later and my dad turned on me. He didn't hit me but he terrorized me emotionally whenever my mom wasn't around. The one time I tried to call her for help he threw my phone against the wall and called me a b**ch. From age 12 up until 3 years ago he would routinely threaten to kick me out of the house for really stupid reasons. When my brother came back from prison I guess my dad felt guilty so my brother became the favorite, even though my brother turned extremely abusive towards the entire family. My dad was constantly giving him large amounts of money and even said that he would sacrifice the rest of the family and sell the house to get my brother money.
> ...


My thoughts and prayers are with all of you...........sad you are so far away. Here is this 5000+ house and just me most of the time.............
soon you will be able to turn this page in your life, an begin on a new chapter. Just NEVER forget there is no one on the face of the earth just like you, that in itself makes you a very special and unique. Tomorrow is a new day............and the first day of the rest of your life..........be good to your self and that young man......


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## Jessica84 (Oct 27, 2011)

kramsay said:


> First I would like to tell you I am extremely sorry about whats going on with your family, and what has in the past.
> 
> My husband and I live with my parents, so I know first hand it isn't easy! Living with parents can cause so many problems in a marriage and with the relationship you have with your parents. We are coming on two years in the spring since my husband moved in with us. It hasn't been easy by any means. It is really hard to be married and grow up while living with parents. You don't get to make your own choices the way you can on your own. When you an a parent get into it, your husband wants to defend you and that can make things worse. When you and your husband are into it, your parents try to defend you and that makes it hard to have a healthy relationship with your partner. I always seem to be in the middle of my parents and my husband arguments. My parents adore my husband, but it's hard not to find fault in your daughters husband when you are around them all the time. Most parents deep down think that no one is good enough for their daughter. It's really hard to explain. But putting to married couples in a house together would be hard enough, then you add in that one couple is the parents of a spouse in the other, just makes things 10x harder. Your parents are still going to want to parent you. Being a daughter (child) and a wife at the same time.. not the easiest thing in the world, but that's what it seems to turn to when living together.
> I am sorry if that made no sense I am just trying to explain some of the problems I have faced living with my parents. We are in the process of buying land and putting a trailer on it, we will be with in a mile of my parents house but not under their noses anymore, we are both extremely excited to re-start our lives together.
> ...


100% right!!! I do as well still live at my parents. Yes its very hard at times but also helps with the set up. I and my family basically have our half of the house and them on the other. Its a large house so works. Works even better that 75% of the time they are not even here 
Like I said before I would fight with my mom. I then talked about moving out while I was pregnant and very sick and my husband is gone 4 24 hours a week. I think it did wake her up that yes I needed help but also they needed me as well. We have a working family ranch and all my other siblings left and don't help except for me and my brother. Things got way better after that. We still have our spats but I have my area to go away. 
As for the mental health. It now seems that I'm not the only one so will share. When you have a chemical imbalance you really don't even know it. I had post pardon depressing (I really hate admitting that) but at the time I didn't even know it. K didn't want to kill my son it was more of a yep this is my baby not awww look at my wonderful baby!! Last year I don't even know what you would call it but I got really unhappy and not nice to be around. I was not abusive but I would say borderline to verbal abuse. Excepting that something is off is the first step. I'm not talking bad about your mom at all I would never do that even if you told me you hated her but she might have something going on and does need to talk to a doctor it may not be as bad as before but doesn't mean she needs what I called mine...a happy pill .
This is kinda a decision that your going to have to think about while your calm and not stressed out. You are getting ready to make YOUR family so you need to do what's best for it. None of us know 100% what's going only you do. I hope everything turns out well for you in the end


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## NubianFan (Jun 3, 2013)

If you do what you have always done... you will get what you have always gotten...
Think outside the box if you truly want change. And be courageous enough to take that first step. 
You know the answer. Better than any of us can tell you, you just have to believe you know the answer.


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## goatfarmergirl (Jul 3, 2011)

Your mother sounds like my dad.
When he yells and stuff, I just stare at him and listen the complaints and yells without saying anything. 
When he is finished I go rant in my diary. I would draw funny illustrations that make fun of him. It always made me feel better.
Has she always been like this? If not she could be stressing about something that came up.
good luck.


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## animalfamily (Nov 23, 2012)

I've read every post on this thread and I have to say it's breaking my heart on so many levels.
Not only the inital post by "Lucky" but each of your stories that have followed. I'm not entirely sure which side of the fence to be on with this one. Both sides are so incredibly sad.
I'm glad you did clarify that you are not currently pregnant. I didn't get that impression from your first post and was wondering if I had missed something.
I know the general concensus in that you move out, and that may very well be your only choice in the end; but it has been my experience that when you have interfering parents, unless you move very far away they will still find a way to interfere.
You say you get along with your mom and dad _most _of the time. Maybe you could take the opportunity when you are getting along to talk with them calmly and rationally. Explain to them how they are pushing you away and while you would _like_ to stay, you cannot _continue_ to stay in an unhealthy environment. Ask your mom what's really troubling her that causes her to lash out at you.
I'm sorry and I know it will ruffle some feathers but I tend to agree with "kccjer" regarding the menopause issue. I went through some very difficult times with it myself, but I never used it as an excuse to resort to name calling or just being downright mean to someone. I still managed to maintain some level of self-control. I think sometimes we use certain conditions as an 'out' to release ourselves from the responsibility of our own actions. I'm not saying I never was _short _with people of maybe not in the best of moods, but I tried not to let it consume me or use it as an excuse to be an a**.
It sounds like you really love being with your parents and would like to work this out so you and your fiance can stay there for a while. Only you know if this is possible. If you could work through the issues maybe you could stay where you are. If not, I think the situation will only continue to escalate.
Also the concept that "you are an adult and it's time for you to move out and give your parents their own space" always baffles me. We have an 18 year old daughter. We are always telling her she is welcome to live here as long as she likes. For the rest of her life if it suits her. Our home is and always will be her home. I know the genreal mindset is "You're 18, get a job, go to college, and/or hit the bricks!!"
This has always made me so sad. They're our children _only _until they enter adulthood? Then we just throw them out into the world and we're done????? In my opinion they can still learn to be resposible adults even if they're living at home. I'm generalizing I know, but that's how it comes across to me most of the time.
I sincerely hope you are able to work this situation out, but it will not be easy and you have some difficult decisions to make. Whichever path you choose I truly wish the best for you and your family. You are not alone as you have seen from other posters. Be strong, and you will know the right thing to do when the time comes!!


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## milkmaid (Sep 15, 2010)

> Also the concept that "you are an adult and it's time for you to move out and give your parents their own space" always baffles me. We have an 18 year old daughter. We are always telling her she is welcome to live here as long as she likes. For the rest of her life if it suits her. Our home is and always will be her home. I know the genreal mindset is "You're 18, get a job, go to college, and/or hit the bricks!!"


I so agree with you, and if I had children I would feel the same way. My parents do. Some of us are adults and our parents have never pushed us to move out - they make us very welcome here!  And besides, isn't that the way it's done in a lot of other countries? Married people still live with their parents, and everyone defers to the head of the house - the oldest man.
FWIW, I still stand behind what my parents have always said: married people should have their own home. Since they're happily married and just passed their 30th anniversary, I figure they know what they're talking about.


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## animalfamily (Nov 23, 2012)

Thanks milkmaid! I thought for sure my head would end up on the chopping block for that comment [and it may still].
Ironically, hubby and I just celebrated our 30th 2 months ago.
I've just always held firm to the old expression: "Home is where the heart is". 
If my daughter wanted to marry and stay here we would make sure she had her own home on the property. I'm not crazy enough to expect [or desire] she and her spouse live under our roof, but she loves this place as much as we do, and I want her to be here to enjoy it for as long as she wants, with whomever she desires !!

P.S.: Congrats to your parents on their 30th anniversary. It do take a lot of work to stay together that long, don't it? Don't ever let anyone trivialize it by telling them they were just "lucky" !!


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## goathiker (Apr 14, 2011)

That's funny, it's my and my husbands 30th in January. We made a deal with our kids as they got older. They were either in school or they were trying their best to have a job and work. We required that 1/3 of their income was given to us for board, 1/3 went to the bank, and 1/3 was theirs to play with. 

Some people may think that that was a little harsh but, when they were ready to fly away, they had learned to pay their bills and had money to rent a house in the bank. We were never rich parents, barely made it sometimes, we felt it was important that they learn to live within their means and just how fast money can go. 

They are all doing well now and I'm proud of them. They all know they live here any time they need to, but, the deal still stands.


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## happybleats (Sep 12, 2010)

Same in our house hold...I told my kids they can move out when they are 30 or maried which ever came first...My eldest asked for an extention lol..we also ask our adult children to help out financially..not becouse we wanted their money but as Goathiker said, they need to know how to pay bills ect...now the three older ones are on their own and doingjust fine..but if they ever needed to come home the door is open!. Now to get the last five grown and on their own lol
Hubby and I are going on 34 years married


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## Cactus_Acres (Sep 24, 2013)

It works if all the adults are stable and respectful. Your folks aren't respectful or stable. We have lived with my parents twice. Once we lived in their house while waiting for my husband to go to Air Force basic training (lived there from Nov-July), and once they lived with us while selling their house and relocating near us (July-Oct). It worked because my parents didn't butt in, and wouldn't listen to any complaining about each other. Mom told me as much.

I don't see how you can make this work.

Even if you don't live with them, stop the info train. They don't need to hear what annoys you about your Fiancé. Unless he is sbusing you, only say positive things about him. I've been at the receiving end of a yelling, condescending tirade from my MIL because of things my husband said to her. She decided it was her job to get me in line, and that she decided I was faking being sick (day she left, or day after she left, I was dx'ed with walking pneumonia and bronchitis) because I didn't complain enough to be really sick. My husband and I got on the same page, she didn't see how she damaged the relationship, and only now are we starting to work on our relationship (nearly four years later). I will NEVER live with her. I will also not live in a situation where I have to submit to the oldest person simply because of their age. 

Btw, we have two kids with autism. I suspect one may not live 100% on his own. My other two kids should be fine. Our house is also big enough to give him his own living space. I am not against working out a livable multigenerational situation, provided all adults can respect each other.

The problem with your situation is that it could end up costing you your relationship with your fiancé. Do you want to risk that? You'd be better off living somewhere else or in an RV on their property than physically in the same house.


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## kccjer (Jan 27, 2012)

I have moved away from my parents (as far as Europe at one point...not to get away, but because hubby was military and we got lucky enough to be stationed in Germany) but am now back to living only 3 miles from them. During my divorce (from 1st hubby) and during some of the transitions in military, I have lived with my parents as an adult. It was not fun. I'm not real crazy about living this close to them, but know they are going to need help in the near future as they are getting up there in years and Dad has the beginnings of Alzheimers going. You can live close to your parents even when the relationship isn't fantastic. It will take a lot of patience on your part...a LOT. LOL My mother calls me 5 or 6 or 7 times a day for stupid stuff....at least when I was in Germany, she had to limit the calls to once a day!! It's hard for them to see you as an adult when you are living with them. When my oldest son was living with us again, it wasn't an ideal situation because we don't really have enough room for that, but I tried so hard to let him be his own person and NOT my "son" because I knew what it felt like with my parents. You have to decide what will work for you....and then follow thru. It won't be easy at all because I can see your parents still treating you as a "child". I do think you can make it work if you get your own place...an RV, a mobile home, whatever....on the property. After what you said about your brother, I would make very sure that you can get a deed to the acre or so that you will be living on.


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