# How do you go on?



## milkmaid (Sep 15, 2010)

I don't know how to say this...I've lost animals before, even very special animals, but it's never been like it is now. It's been a few weeks and I STILL feel like it was yesterday that Cosette died.
I keep pushing it out of my mind because thinking about her brings this terrible pain, like a big hole torn out of the middle of a painting...but I can't keep from thinking of her, and anyway it hurts to NOT think of her. I don't want to go the rest of my life NOT thinking about her because it hurts.
I just don't know what to do. I still cry almost every day. I reason with myself using all the cliches, but reasoning doesn't erase the fact that she died. I can't pretend anymore. Death is horrible, and I hate it, but it's real.
You know how sometimes in the middle of your humdrum life, something will come like a flash of brilliant light, sweep the veil from your eyes, and give you a dazzling vision of eternity. You are never the same after that.
Cosette did that for me. I love goats, but I have NEVER seen one that was so tiny, so beautiful, so perfect, so sweet, happy, and fragile yet strong.
When she was born in between her two brothers, she was so tiny I said, "She's gonna die." And it would have hurt me then - I would have cried, but only once, and would have had no trouble letting her go. But then she lifted her head and tried to stand, and her angelic eyes were so bright, and she seemed so strong, that I thought she might live.
She did live, for nine days. Some days it was a struggle, but she could walk and suck and she was starting to play a little.
If I had been more experienced, I know for sure I could have saved her. I did what I could but it wasn't enough.
I would never trade those days I had with her - not for anything in the world. But there can't be joy without pain, and the greater the joy the greater the pain, it seems. I just can't do this. I can't live the rest of my life without her. I can't but I have to! How do you go on?


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## ksalvagno (Oct 6, 2009)

So sorry you lost her.


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## nancy d (Oct 5, 2007)

What a special girl to fill your heart like she did in a short span of life. There are ones that do this, sometimes babies & sometimes the older girls.
Cosette will always have that special place & you will go on, you know the rest of your herd needs you, as well as your family. :hug:


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## nannysrus (Jun 21, 2014)

I just wanted to say that even the most experienced people may not have been able to save her. You did a great job with her. A lot of people wouldn't even have tried to save her. Everybody that raises any type of animals is going to have a battle that they loose. No matter how much previous experience you have or how much knowledge you have there will always be a situation in which you are pushed to and beyond your limits. 

They only way I know how to push past something is to always remember the good. When a negative thought enters your mind replace it with a good one. 


Samantha

"5 minutes of fresh air is equivalent to 5 mg Valium"


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## glndg (Feb 8, 2013)

Don't blame yourself - some lives are only meant to be here a short while. More experience might not have saved her. Even the most experienced doctors have patients that they cannot save. There are things that are out of our hands. 

She had a short life, but it was longer than it would have been without your help. You touched each other's lives, and now she would want you to remember her and go on. You can use what you learn to help others in the future.


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## mayia97420 (Apr 22, 2014)

Some very bright stars have very short lives but they touch us in a way others can't. She meant to be your bright star, don't let her down by making her little life something you can't recover from.


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## goathiker (Apr 14, 2011)

You were given an angel, that doesn't happen to just anyone. Their time here is short because what they are here to achieve doesn't take very long. You should open your heart and clear your mind and figure out what you learned from her. Not with self doubt or sadness, but with the mind of a willing pupil. Was she a test of character or strength; was she here to teach a certain thing to you? You'll find your answer and you will be a better person for having had her in the long run...


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## Springbett Farm (Jan 5, 2011)

I go on for the ones that are living, because I can no longer help the ones that have passed. 
I, too, had a special little girl that passed early this year in spite of everything I tried to do for her. It hurts my heart to think of her and when I feed the herd I notice her absence. The pain dulls little by little after time. There will be others that need you and me and we will give them our care and love. Sometimes they die. We mourn and we go on.


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## peggy (Aug 11, 2010)

My heart aches for you. I lost my favorite girl recently and still feel the pain. How do you go on...... one day at a time my dear, one day at a time.......


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## Naunnie (Jul 4, 2014)

Oh milkmaid I do hear ya and though each of us has gone through something similar, there really is nothing to compare when it has happened to "you". goathiker stated it so perfectly. I will remember her words....You were so blessed to have this angel in your life. So many folks go through life without never knowing this kind of blessing. You and Cosette touched all of our lives. I will be forever grateful to the things I learned from you, Cosette and this community, those precious nine days. I know it is painful, but she will live forever in our hearts. :angelgoat:


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## happybleats (Sep 12, 2010)

:hug:


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## toth boer goats (Jul 20, 2008)

I hear you on the what if's and the love you had for her. I am so sorry for your loss. 
It will hurt for quite some time, but we must try to move on, the love you had for the precious goat, can now turn to another, who is in need for that love.
No matter who needs it. 

Hang in there, it will gradually get easier, but we will never forget. 
Just remember, the precious time you had together, filled with love. She is most likely looking down upon you saying, "Please don't be sad, I am in a good place, filled with love here too and running around butting my friend up here.


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## luvmyherd (Apr 9, 2011)

I am so sorry for this tragic loss in your life. I am so happy that we have people here on GoatSpot who understand how deep the grief for our beloved animals can be.
It has been years since I lost my dachshund Sk8R and I often felt I could not go on. Yesterday my thoughts drifted to him and it was the first time that I really felt like I can deal with this now. So please, give yourself time.


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## milkmaid (Sep 15, 2010)

Thank you everyone. Your kind words are so comforting. I should have posted this a long time ago, but then I just wasn't ready. Not many people I know would understand. It's just an animal - just an animal? I don't think any of us know what an animal really is.
She had this look in her eyes - more than just the innocence of a baby - a pure, bright, almost knowing look. It's hard to describe. I've seen that look somewhere else - in a certain little girl (daughter of two famous actors) that died at age 2.
I believe she may well have been a kind of angel.


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## toth boer goats (Jul 20, 2008)

We do understand and I see why you loved her so, she was so cute and precious. I know it had to be so hard seeing her pics again, but that memory should be cherished. :hug:


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## GoatieGranny (Jul 26, 2013)

She was precious. I'm thankful she had you for her human. What a gift.


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## takethelead (Dec 18, 2013)

Im so sorry for your loss. Love can not be measured by the ammount of time you spend with something. I havent lost a goat yet and i can't even imagine how it feels. She was put in your life for a reason. Cherish that forever.


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## janeen128 (Dec 31, 2012)

So sorry;-( She was precious! With time it will get better...


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## ThreeHavens (Oct 20, 2011)

Losing my bottle baby, Alex, tore deep into me. I've had very hard losses, but the hardest by far was baby Alex, and my horse Rusty. Alex was so little and so precious. He'd call to me, run after me ... he was my baby. I stayed up with him, and tried so, so hard, along with the vet, to save him when he got sick. When he started to get sick, the one thing that soothed him was watching "Robin Hood". For some reason he just loved that movie. To this day, I can't watch Robin Hood. It hurts too much. It's amazing, you think you're getting "over it" but a picture, a sound, a smell, it brings it all back.

But you know, that's okay. It will always hurt but it isn't that stabbing, twisting hurt anymore. It's a little softer, and I can smile through the tears at the memory of his funny face.

:hug: You gave her such a lovely life. I want you to know that most goats, no matter how long they live, will never experience the level of love and joy you gave this little one.


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## IvyMayPygmyGoats (Jan 24, 2014)

It helps me to think that you were blessed with her and that good things come in small packages. Nothing is forever but she wasn't meant to be on this earth for so long. The fact that she was loved is enough. Hugs from the UK xx


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## milkmaid (Sep 15, 2010)

I think I've finally worked through it. One of the main things that helped me was this thread. I am really grateful for each one of you that commented here. ALL of your posts helped me. THANK YOU! :grouphug:

Another big thing that helped me. Goathiker, I did what you said. Several times I asked God to show me what He wanted me to know. Each time I asked, He _immediately_ answered, or almost immediately.

Once it was a glorious sunburst shining through a break in the clouds, right after I had been crying my heart out in the rain. It was a small miracle, and I know it was meant just for me.

Again, I was angry with myself for not being able to save her - and I asked God to please let me know that Cosette had forgiven me, if animals can forgive, lol. The instant answer was, "Of course she has forgiven you. One like Cosette would never hold anger in her heart for an instant."

Another time, it was a song that popped into my head: "This World Is Not My Home." I think that song was the turning point. Again and again I have asked why death happens. Now I think I know - because this world is not perfect and it is NOT our home. Death _has_ to happen - it's our door of release out of it!

Then yesterday I read the book "To Heaven and Back." I certainly don't think all accounts of near-death experiences are trustworthy, but this one has all the marks of truth about it. After her near-death experience, the author was visited by an angel in the form of an owl. As I read, chills went down my back. Sounds weird, but somehow I have no trouble believing it.

Cosette was no ordinary animal. I think that if I had gotten her through the crisis that last night, she wouldn't have lived much longer anyway. As some of you are saying, she wasn't supposed to be here long.

Anyway, I hope this has encouraged those who have lost a REALLY special animal. God is real, He loves us, and there will be nothing but joy when we cross the Rainbow Bridge.


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## rochelle (Jul 10, 2016)

I know exactly how you feel...so sorry! My heart hurts for you!


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