# Should I confront my fiancé about lying/being a jerk?



## Lucky_072508 (Jul 22, 2011)

I am engaged to the most amazing guy. I love him to pieces, flaws and all, and nothing will ever change that. When we first started dating, he started exaggerating when telling stories then it turned into stretching the truth, then out came totally absurd stories that I've called him out on a couple of times (like HE pulled over a cop and the cop was all "yes sir" and "no sir" to him...like I said, completely absurd) The past week I have found out 3 flat-out lies. The first one was he told me that the ring he proposed to me with was custom made by him and he had to go on a payment plan to afford it. I did research because I knew it wasn't true, and sure enough, the ring was $18. I don't care that I got an inexpensive ring, I really don't. I would rather him save money for our future then get me an expensive ring. What bothers me is the lie. 
The other lies was the story behind the car accident he got into the other night. He told a different story to my mom, myself, and his mom. Of course girls talk and we all had different versions of the story. I caught him when he was in the middle of lying to me about it but I didn't say I knew that my mom got a different version. The lies and the false stories are to the point where I feel silly when I with him in public and he is doing this because everyone knows they are not true.
Onto the jerk part. The night of his car accident I had to take care of his dog. She is an outdoor dog and rather than have her tied out in the open where a coyote could get her, I thought I would tie her in the fenced in area that my goats are in. Well, she attacked the goats and when I was finally able to catch her I literally wanted to kill her. I felt horrible that something like that happened to my goats under my watch, but I thought I was doing something NICE for my fiancé and his dog. Well he blamed me and kept saying that it was stupid and was my fault, not his dog's. I know it was stupid. I didn't need him telling me that and also telling my mom that behind my back (once again girls talk). 
The part about him being a jerk is really out of character for him. He's only started being like this and snapping at me for the past month or so. Normally he is such a sweet guy and would do anything for me and he makes me feel so special.
I know he is stressed as he lives with his grandpa and his grandpa is a total pr*ck to him. He is also trying to find work. Then he got I to the wreck and smashed his truck. So it could be that or the fact that he is 20 years old and is immature.
Whatever it is, it is really starting to get to me. What I said in the beginning of the (horribly long, sorry) rant is still true and always will be. That I love him flaws and all. I just don't know how to manage them. Any advice???


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## Lucky_072508 (Jul 22, 2011)

The lying is literally the only thing I have to complain about. The being a jerk, well, he is human, and I'm sure I'm a jerk at times, too.
Other than the lying he is great. We both love animals, have the same interests, he and my parents get along GREAT, and he treats me like a princess. He is 20 and I am 24. Usually the things he lies about are done so in a way that if true, would make him look better. Like an expensive ring, saying the wreck wasn't his fault, etc. and it could be because I am 4 years older than him that he feels he needs to "make up" for the age gap by making himself look/sound older.
Just a though I had...


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## HoosierShadow (Apr 20, 2010)

Ok, it's hard to say given that we don't know you.

You sound like you are both young?

I could be totally off here, but...
It sounds like he is a compulsive liar. Sorry  I've met people like him, in fact, I know someone like that in my family. It wasn't as bad at first, but now over the years, they make up all kinds of stuff and it's hurtful to everyone who knows them.
For example July 4th weekend, my kids and I drove 3 1/2 hours to see my family. There was a BIG family birthday party at a park for some kids.
It had been cool and rainy that week. Rainy that day, but the forecast was calling for improvement in the area where the party was at.
This particular person didn't want to go because they said they'd get sick <older, but not that old!>, didn't want to sit in a shelter because of rain, yada, yada, yada.... So we left this person, and everyone else went including this person's spouse.
It was absolutely beautiful, skies cleared...
We get back to their place that night, and this person said it stormed right after we left. Lightning, thunder, heavy rain, etc. etc.
One thing they forgot is a family friend was camping on the property below their house.
So the next morning I asked this person in front of everyone if there was a storm after we left. They said no, it cleared up and was beautiful!
So then the person's excuse was also that someone was talking about them and they didn't want to go and have to call them out.
It's just one lie after another after another! Who would be talking about them that they couldn't confront as an adult? Their kids? 
It's gotten worse, and there are so many hurt feelings, plus you just never know what you can believe and what you can't believe.

So you just have to decide. Do you want to stay with someone who you know is constantly lying? Someone who is willing to always stretch the truth?
Someone that you go and find out he's been telling other people different things and they also know he's either not telling the truth, or makes you feel very belittled?
Someone that goes behind your back and says things about you, such as what he said to your mom?

Again, I don't know you, or your fiancée. But sounds like he needs a life lesson, maybe counseling. If you've confronted him about this and he's still doing it, well... it's your call, however, just because he seems sweet, that doesn't mean it's right to lie.


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## erica4481 (Mar 26, 2013)

IMO if someone lies about dumb stuff they will definitely lie about important things. If they can't tell the truth they can't be trusted. And if you can't trust them I personally would not be with them . And I can tell you from experience that once you say I do things can change for the worst. Good luck!


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## happybleats (Sep 12, 2010)

sounds like he has a problem with his self esteem...and immaturity. I would let him know its not only embarrassing when others see it but totally disrespectful to you. He should trust you enough to tell the truth even if its unflattering to him. work together for him to over come the need to lie. Knowing you love him and will stand with him will go along way with him. If he is unwilling to work through the lie problem..he will be unwilling to work through other problems that might rise its ugly head...keep in mind what you want for a future...what you want your future kids to learn..
as for the jerk part....things are often said in anger that should not have been. Best move on from it...but you also know his dog is not to be trusted around goats. 
Best wishes


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## ksalvagno (Oct 6, 2009)

Do you really want to marry someone who you can never believe is telling the truth? The lies will only continue. 

How long have you been together? You may be now seeing the real person. Sounds like he is not at a good point in his life. Take a good hard look at how he is handling things. Is this what you really want to live with. It will only get worse. You will NEVER change him.

Is lying all the time and being a jerk when things aren't going his way really how you want a relationship? 

My husband and I don't lie to each other. We are truthful and work through any problems or hard times. You want a true partner, not a lying child for a husband. You can't love him enough to make him change. That must come from within him and I wouldn't be waiting around for that.


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## loggyacreslivestock (Mar 5, 2013)

I completely agree with Hoosiershadow. We too have two people in our family that do this. Mother and son. I believe they are pathological liars. They truely believe they are telling the truth, when in fact it is either completely a lie, or some partial truth.
Do yourself a favor and get away now. The person may need medical help if this has just become a problem. Be a friend, but not a wife...
Just my two cents...


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## erica4481 (Mar 26, 2013)

Another thing that I have learned the hard way is that you never really know someone until you have lived together. You can spend alot of time together and think you know them completely then move in together then the true person comes creeping out. Lol


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## dobe627 (Oct 16, 2007)

Believe me its only gonna get worse, I know. And if I could do it all over again, well I wouldn't. My husband lies and its to the point I don't trust him any further then I can see him. And he is a truck driver and gonna all the time. Anyway, I won't leave because of all my animals, but there is no love or happiness. So your better off walking away or accept your in for a life of wondering


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## Mystica25 (Oct 8, 2012)

Just throwing this out there, but could it be a mental illness? I worked at a homeless shelter, and a lot of them told "stories" and they were mentally ill. Also, I would think if he was to be telling a real "lie" he would say the same lie to everyone, not change it up every version. Also the mood swings could also be an indicator of an illness.

Also, remember that you you are marrying a man as he is NOW. Don't expect his bad behaviors to change because you are married. I have heard many people say they thought things would change when they were married, and it has not, or it has gotten worse.

I have been married 17 years, and married an alcoholic. He was never a "mean" alcoholic. After getting married his drinking did get worse, and things got tough, but I had to accept I married him AND his disease. He is now sober, though this is not the first time trying. 

Only you know in your heart if this is something you can live with for the rest of your life. Even if it is a mental illness, there will be times he feels he is "cured" go off his meds, and start all over again (been there with mine). 

As with all advise, take what you want and leave the rest!

Best of luck!


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## enchantedgoats (Jun 2, 2013)

Having been in 2 such marriages, i can tell you to get out while you can. He is too young and immature. He has self esteem issues that may never be resolved. You say this behavior has gotten worse recently, look for signs of cheating. I've been down that road. Good luck


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## nancy d (Oct 5, 2007)

This is not going to change anytime soon & you don't need this character flaw. Say bye bye.


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## erica4481 (Mar 26, 2013)

Run run run while you can girl!!!


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## Axykatt (Feb 1, 2013)

You want to be in this relationship so what you need is advice for how to deal with his issue within the relationship. I would advise you to get some couple's counseling. The lying needs to be addressed immediately. It isn't normal or healthy to make up obviously exaggerated stories like that, but calling him out without professional help may just result in more elaborate lies to defend himself. You need to get to the root of the behavior and resolve it. 

While it may not seem like it, these lies can be dangerous. What if he lies about his ability to fix a car or build a shed? He could put you, your animals, and your future children at great risk. I have a friend who claims to be able to do everything. I let him be my navigator when I moved cross-country. Turns out he can't read a map...and I found that out by nearly dying in the Nevada desert when he directed me onto the wrong cattle roads in July. I only didn't end up dead because of an actual miracle. My '77 Suburban went nearly 50 miles farther than it should have onthe gas in the tank. If it hadn't I would have had to try to walk 50 miles in the desert heat with no water...and I was starting out dehydrated. We hadn't seen another vehicle in 8 hours, and the attendent at the gas station told me we wouldn't have seen any more. No one goes out there except big rigs and cattle farmers (who own the gas station) and you don't get many of either in July. 

Help him get gelp. Compulsive lying is very dangerous to the people around you. Good luck!


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## toth boer goats (Jul 20, 2008)

I have to agree, I know that hurts to hear, but we are looking after you and we care. He isn't a good man. You can do better sweety. Look elsewhere, you need someone that will be honest and loving. Not to lie and be mean to you, no matter the situation. 
Glad he is showing that side of himself to you now, instead of later, when it may be too late. 
You are better than that, don't let him drag you down. You are someone special


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## lovinglife (Jun 6, 2013)

Run! And don't look back! If it is this bad now I promise you it will get much worse, get out.


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## Lucky_072508 (Jul 22, 2011)

With the dog thing, I have known Sammy (the dog) for months. Whenever my fiancé is over she roams the property. I know her. Troy had said before "oh, she's fine with any animal, she'll be fine with the goats". I based my decision on information from Troy and also my own personal experience with her. I probably shouldn't have included the bit about the dog and goats in my thread, I was in rant mode and it really bothered me that I got snapped at and told that what I did was stupid, since I was just trying to do something nice for her and Troy.


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## happybleats (Sep 12, 2010)

The heart is not always the best judge when it comes to people..it sometimes wants what is not good for it. you have some advice here from helping him work through it to run while you can...you need to decide how much you want to invest in this relationship..he imo is not hopeless unless he is unwilling to admit he has a problem and get help ...if he is not willing to do that then I agree with the others who say run..and run fast...Even if he does admit it and does want to get help...he needs to show the effort ..he has to be the one to work hard at it...if not he is just playing games and has no real desire to change..


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## ksalvagno (Oct 6, 2009)

The dog has nothing to do with it. You need to look at him and really decide if you can live with someone who lies and makes up stories to make themselves look better.

A friend of mine has been in a miserable marriage for over 20 years now. Years of mental and some physical abuse. Everything that goes wrong is her fault. Every problem with the kids is her fault. She is stupid and dumb. She can't do anything right. Everything that she tries to communicate to him is dumb and not understandable. He is always the victim and she is always the aggressor even though he is the one making up stories and lying. She is now afraid that he will kill her if she leaves. He was the same way as your fiance when she was dating him and first got married. He treats their 3 children just as bad as he treats her and they are definitely affected by it and will have it harder in life.

Do you want your children to grow up with a man who lies and acts like a jerk when things don't go his way? And since he does nothing but lie, if he says he will change, how will you know?


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## HoosierShadow (Apr 20, 2010)

Every couple has their 'issue' no matter what it is. Doesn't mean it's a big deal or not. 
But lying definitely is not part of it. Doesn't matter if he's younger and thinks he has to impress people or not.
I am about 3 1/2 years older than my husband. He was 19 when we got together. 
Lying is not a part of it, never has been.
Our biggest issue ever has been cultural differences. He's from south of the border, raised much differently than most of us, so his beliefs are different.
I am a very stubborn, pushy person, so things collide once in a while, even after all this time lol <Together 13 years, married for 11>.
The biggest issue we have now is the goats. We clash a lot on them, again, I have my idea on how to do things, he has his idea. His idea won't work for 4-H goats, been there, done that.
We just had a big disagreement the day before yesterday with the end result being he nearly got a 5 mo doe bred because he wouldn't listen to me when I told him NOT to let the young does out to graze in the front yard with the adult does. Ummm hello we have a buck now! He kept saying 'oh, he won't breed her, she's not in heat' I told him, he is a teenage girl-crazy buck! Sure enough.... So that's our typical kind of issue.

Now my ex husband, heh. Sure he was a sweet guy when I met him too. He was trying to straighten his life up. Everything was great. We got married, expected our first child.
When our daughter was a couple of months old, he changed and wasn't the person I thought he was. He was constantly lying.
We had our issues leading up to the big one...
We moved near my dad, because I knew in the back of my mind I was going to leave my ex, I just hadn't had the strength to do it yet - hard since I had my daughter to worry about.
My ex doesn't come home from work one night. Thought okay, he's working overtime, not the first time for that, he worked 2nd shift.
By noon the next day I was like OMG! Well he didn't pay the phone bill so naturally I didn't have a phone. I was getting ready to walk to a payphone and call his boss, when he walks in.
I look outside. Where's the car? 
He fed me this story about the altenator belt on the car slipped, so he stopped to fix it. He had 2 buddies in the car with him that had been drinking. Cop stopped, smelled the alcohol and hauled them all in, and impounded the car.
He swore he did nothing wrong.
So...next day I call my dad, he takes us to get the car out. Had to use some of the $$ we had saved for our rent.
Get the car home. There was all kinds of snack wrappers, etc. in it, I mean it was a mess! So I work on cleaning it out, something sticks to the hose on the vaccum.
A paper.
It's a CITATION that he had stuck under the seat. In that Citation I found that my husband had gone to have a few beers, and was so intoxicated that he could no longer drive and pulled over. Vehicle was in park, but not turned off.
He was cited with an OUI <Operating Under Influence>, and hauled to jail!
He was released the morning he came home and had to walk all the way home. 
After that he just bailed on everything, lied even more, and put my daughter and I on the back burner. 
I left him and Thank GOD I did.

He owes my daughter about $30,000 in child support, she has only seen him maybe 3-4x since she was 10mo <she's almost 15>. Every now and then they arrest him for child support and he lies, lies, LIES, and the judge's still fall for it. 
That isn't what I want for my daughter.

My husband takes care of my oldest daughter, he has been her father, not the ex.

So you know, you just have to think about what is best for you. Obviously I let my heart do too much of my decision making, or I would have left my ex sooner.

If you think counseling can help, GET COUNSELING. If not, then girl, like the others said. RUN AWAY!


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## TDG-Farms (Jul 12, 2013)

Not that you will actually be taking any of the advice from above but you need to do something or you are going to waste 10 years of your life, most likely have a kid or two and then not be able to take it any longer. You need to get him in for a mental check up. Have him talk to a shrink for at the last 4-8 visits. It could be he just needs meds, i dont know. But what I do know is the same as everyone else above. Its going to get freaking bad and you need to take steps now to prevent that.


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## luvmyherd (Apr 9, 2011)

I have to agree with those who are telling you GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At the very least, get some professional counseling. He is not going to stop lying.


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## BCG (Jun 30, 2012)

erica4481 said:


> IMO if someone lies about dumb stuff they will definitely lie about important things. If they can't tell the truth they can't be trusted. And if you can't trust them I personally would not be with them . And I can tell you from experience that once you say I do things can change for the worst. Good luck!


I totally agree! You can not trust someone who is a compulsive liar. And trust is the foundation of the relationship. Without that, your relationship will not withstand the test of time. Do yourself a favor and move on. You'll save yourself a lot of embarrassment and heart ache.


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## NubianFan (Jun 3, 2013)

Without trust in a relationship, you have nothing. How can you trust a liar? 

This really is your decision. None of us can make it for you, or talk you into something you aren't ready or willing to do. I have found when it comes to the heart, people have to live it themselves and often learn it the hard way.
I am at the point in my life where I have decided. If someone doesn't improve the quality of my life in some way, they aren't worth letting in my life. Ask your self honestly what does he give your life, that you can't do for yourself? Does he improve it, or is he a source of drama and anguish? Only you know the answer to that question. 
Good luck.


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## bessmiller (Jan 23, 2012)

One thing I have noticed in life is that you see a person's true character when they are under pressure.

Not to say we don't all make mistakes and lash out at each other, but I would be wary if he is behaving in "uncharacteristic" ways now that he is under stress--it may just be that it is actually his character showing! Once you are married, though (in my experience) it is a wonderful thing, there will definitely be lots of stressful times, during which what you need is a partner who you can lean on and trust, not someone who you have to hold up or tiptoe around.

I dated a guy for a short time who lied like that all the time, and about stupid, piddly things. I liked him a lot, but the fact that I couldn't trust him on the most basic levels was red flag enough for me to get out of there! I'm so glad I did, because my husband was waiting in the very near future.  

So I guess my two cents is this: Observe his character under stress, be wary of the lying, and, if you really think he is the one for you, seek some marriage counseling.  I have not been in a bad marriage, but I can tell you this--a good marriage is an awesome thing, and is absolutely worth holding out for!


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## MsScamp (Feb 1, 2010)

Lucky_072508 said:


> That I love him flaws and all. I just don't know how to manage them. Any advice???


In the first place, you are not going to "manage" his flaws because you have no control over him. The only person you can control is you. Accept it, deal with it, and move on. I've been where you are, and I thought the same things you are currently thinking, but I was wrong and so are you. You are not going to change anyone, no matter how hard you try. Change comes from within - it always has and it always will. This guy is a heartbreak waiting to happen, and the heart that is going to be broken is yours. How can you trust someone who can't tell the simple truth? Marriage is a partnership that is based on trust and a commitment of honesty to each other. Take away either of those things and you take away the foundation that the marriage is based on and it crumbles. I think you know that, but just don't want to accept it.


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## toth boer goats (Jul 20, 2008)

Lucky_072508 Hope you are OK. We are here for you, if you need us. We gave our Advice and recommendations, so now dear, it is up to you, on how you want to handle this. 
We pray, you make the right decision. Remember, "you are important", no one else, think of you first always. :grouphug:


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## KW Farms (Jun 21, 2008)

Being honest and open is extremely important in a relationship. He sounds like a pathological liar. I would have a hard time trusting someone caught in so many lies. You can do better. If you have bad feelings now, it's only going to get worse. His lying sadly, will likely never stop. Some people are just liars and there is no way to change that. Follow your instincts. Sometimes you have to ignore what your heart tells you and think with your head. I'm very sorry you're going through this. :hug:


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## mhoward2 (Jun 30, 2012)

RED FLAGS, RED FLAGS!!!! You don't want to marry someone that you never know if they are telling the truth or not. It will only get worse after marriage. Then he might be lying to you about the affairs he is having. Being able to trust your husband is extremely important.


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## DDFN (Jul 31, 2011)

Lucky_072508 I do hope you are ok. (please read my whole post) I am sure that what you have been reading may be a bit hard for you to take in and process. What ever you decide to do is what you currently feel is right for you, but please remember we are here for you if you need a shoulder to lean on. I do agree that some type of counseling is in order (whether it is both of you or just for you to help you with what is going on). 

I have a few examples that could help you and if you want more details then what is below feel free to message me. My cousin married the love of her life (high school sweethearts). After being married she noticed he lied about a lot of things. She just passed it off as trying to be a "man" with stories of like the one that got away (big fish). Then they had their first child and the stories and lies got out of control. He has nothing to do with his child and it is basically like she lives with a room mate. I feel very sad for her and her child. 

I am currently on my second marriage and married the "true" man of my dreams. Yes we do not always see eye to eye but he is 100x's the man that my first husband was. . . I did not believe in divorce and had to go through a lot of trials before I made my decision to leave him. So basically what I am saying is no matter what you decide you need to know that you are loved and cared for by many people and what ever you decide does not have to be carved into stone. If you do stay with him and things get out of hand you have every right to leave and no matter what he does to you, you need to know it was not your fault and will never have been your fault! Some men enjoy being powerful over women and will do numerous things to be in control of the relationship, but you need to know you have ever right to do and be what you want to be. 

If you ever want to talk just message me. We all are just sharing information and opinions with you. We all wish you the best and if you need us we are here for you. Everything you experience over the years will help to make you who you are. Some of us have traveled many a roads and several of those roads may have been rough over the years. I am sure we are all just trying to help provide you with maps of which roads may be easier to travel, but listen to your co-pilot for the best directions available.

Best wishes!


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## sweetgoats (Oct 18, 2007)

Lucky_072508, first of all :grouphug:

I am sure you were not prepared to hear all that. It is hard.

Someone asked you how old you are. Not that age really matters but if he is 20 I will assume you are in that range also. honey you have a whole life ahead of you. Do not fall hard like this. I am sure you are in love  but it sounds like he MIGHT not be.
No one should ever LIE like that. Yes I am sure EVERYONE has said a little lie in their life and to a spouse but not like what you are talking about. 

I want to agree with whoever said maybe it is a mental health issue. Is there a way you can talk to his mother and see what she thinks? 

I would for sure talk to him about this. You can not let it bottle up, you will explode for sure and you are to young to be dealing with this. Try to talk to him. I know you said the $ he spent on your ring does not matter and I agree, but WHY did he have to lie like that? He should know if he loves you and you love him, it is the thought that counts. He did not have to say anything, I am sure he might of been a little embarrassed that it was not a big expensive ring so he made it up. Hell for all I cared when my hubby proposed it could of been a candy ring, I did not care as I am sure you would not either.

Take a really hard look at it, try to talk to his mother and him. Think about the advise and pray about it, you will be given the clue you need and what to do. :thumbup::hug::hug:


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## AmyBoogie (May 20, 2013)

I read this post back in the beginning but didn't think I should respond but I do feel like I need to now. There was a lot of rough advice here (though I think it's with love), and it sounds like many have been through some rough times. I've had some less than beautiful relationships as well but it's hard to tell if my liar was like Lucky's liar. I know personally, I don't know enough about Lucky's fiance to know if she should leave him or not....and that's not what was asked for anyway so I won't comment on that one way or the other.

Lucky, I'm not sure why you posted here about this. Just venting. Needed a virtual hug? Or were you maybe looking for that push that some gave? In any case, I hope you're taking care of yourself. In any relationship (friend, lover, relative, etc) the best ones work when you think of the other person. Leaving him may be the best thing for him, or it may not. We don't know this. Bottling up your feelings about this are probably not the best thing for you and probably not the best for him. But only you can know this. 

I hope that you are able to search your heart and find out what you and your fiance need and you are able to take care of the both of you in whatever way works out the best. We are only online and I hope you have people (Religious leader, impartial friend, or therapist.) you can talk to locally that will help guide you to the decision you need if you aren't able to find the right decision inside of you. It can be tough. 

Take care.


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## Lucky_072508 (Jul 22, 2011)

I haven't been able to respond or even read the replies since I currently don't have Internet at my house. 
I did confront him about the ring. All that came out of it was him getting his feelings hurt that I thought he lied. I give up on that one. I don't think I will ever get the truth about the ring (from his mouth..I already know what the truth is). My approach now is to confront him as soon as I know he is lying about something, instead of waiting waiting several days like I did with the ring. 
I am going to stay with him. I can see where y'all are coming from but I don't have that gut feeling that a break-up is necessary. In my past I have known deep down that I needed to get out but I don't have that feeling with him. 
My parents have been married for 20-something years and have gone through ALOT. I was always wanting them to get a divorce because the house was chaotic for years but now they are doing well and now that I am grown I realize that you are not always going to like your spouse, but you can still choose to stick with it and hope for better days ahead.


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## ThreeHavens (Oct 20, 2011)

Lucky, you are very right that you aren't going to always like your spouse, but IMO, you shouldn't be feeling that way before you even marry. But I do not know your situation, and you seem to have a good judgement on the subject. :hug: Lying always puts me on edge, so I feel that is something you two should work out before you marry, because I've seen a lot of couples get together thinking they would change one another, and things did not get better. Again, I am not married. Heck, haven't even had a boyfriend. But I'm just saying from my experience with my friends and my sisters. :hug: Prayers sent and hope all goes well with you and your fiance.


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## lovinglife (Jun 6, 2013)

Having been in terrible relationships in the past, some of my friends tried to tell me to walk away, I wouldn't listen, I was in love, ha! As soon as we were married he really reared his ugly head and it got BAD, I so wished I had listened to my friends telling me I was making a giant mistake, so I know where you are coming from, and I know you will probably not listen to anything anyone tells you. One day I believe, you will wake up and wish you had listened to the advice you have recieved on this forum. Good luck, I hope it works out for you.


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## Mystica25 (Oct 8, 2012)

I really have not been keeping up on this post, but just read your fiance is around 20. That is when A LOT of mental illnesses start rearing their ugly head. Kinda like cancer is more in the 50's etc. Remember mental illness is AN ILLNESS and NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF! There is absolutely nothing he could have done to prevent it, if that is what is wrong. SInce your gut is telling you it is not intentional, maybe there is a basis for illness. It is a REAL hard one to accept.


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## StaceyRosado (Oct 5, 2007)

my husband is one of those perpetual kids - heck I just took him to the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia and he had a blast! He has this way about exaggerating things. But he never flat out lies. He comes up with the craziest of stories (always had, I knew this when I met him, dated him etc). It certainly gets a laugh out of everyone, they all know "thats Julio" but if confronted with "we need to know the truth on this" there is no hesitation he will tell the truth. He NEVER lies to me. And because of that I to had a hard time confronting him about my engagement ring, I knew he would tell me, but I knew it would hurt him too that I even felt the need to ask. 

See we had only been dating a short time when he asked me to marry him. He was unemployed for over a year, had a car payment that was more then half his unemployment. He always drove me around in his car and barely had any cash to put gas in it (so many times I insisted on filling his tank or picking him up from work when he would ride his bike in 100 degree weather to work! oh yeah he did get a job but it was only part time). 

When I did finally ask him how he got the money (remember I knew his finances) we were already married. I knew it would hurt him that I asked but I just had to know, I didn't want to feel he lied to me about not having money for gas etc. when he had some kind of money stashed away. He did tell me. See my diamond is from my grandmothers engagement ring which I wanted, she wanted him to marry me so bad she insisted (anyone who knows my grandmother, you dont cross her when she insists! LOL) on giving him the money for the band/setting. He picked out just what I wanted and it doesnt matter that it was all a gift from my grandmother. 

So why did I write this? Maybe because I can see how you are feeling. Its easy to paint a picture of the man not being "perfect" or having it all together when we only tell a part of the story. Because those that do not know my husband would read what I wrote above and say "wow he sounds like a looser" and he is FAR FROM IT. I could take pages to write out what a wonderful person he is, how my parents ADORE him (and they dont adore my BIL). They TELL ME what a great guy I have and not to take him for granted. He loves my parents and will do anything for them. I could go on and on. 

But we all see a little red flag about your fiances character and that is that he cant admit to his lying. Thats something you will have to live with and hopefully you can come to grips with that. Im sad to read you think that going into your marriage you wont always be happy. I know life isnt always roses and butterflies (right now mine isnt but despite that I am happy in my marriage and thats so important). 

I would be happy to read any glowing reports you have of the man you love, Im sure there are wonderful qualities to him. And maybe through those wonderful qualities you can reach the man inside and tell him how you are feeling about being lied to. Being able to tell him how and what you are feeling will go A LONG way to having a lasting marriage filled with love and trust, even if he does lie about some things.


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## toth boer goats (Jul 20, 2008)

I do agree. 

With happy and healthy relationships. It is mostly happy times and a few bumps in the road, hard times. Arguments arise and are solved quickly. Not to linger it isn't healthy.

When a relationship is starting out rough, you must open your eye's. Marriage is a commitment, dedication and love of your other half. When one half is broken to start, it makes things hard to get going in the right direction. 

Trust and love, are the most important parts of a relationship.


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## luvmyherd (Apr 9, 2011)

If I had known then, what I know now..............................................................:wave:
It cannot be truer that you (and anyone else in love) will not listen to the well-meaning advice of others. In retrospect, I had so many red flags as to my husband's mental illness. But we would always work things out and then my fairytale relationship would be back. This lasted until we had been married 23 years. Then there was a huge incident (suffice it to say, he threw me under a bus (figuratively) and left me for dead). Years if therapy and pharmaceuticals and I never got that life back. I am now 60, we have been married 41 years and I cannot say that I am happy.
I have my goats and my farm and a lifestyle that I want; so, we will probably continue as we are. Why am I saying all this?!!?
The biggest problems are, he lies and cannot admit he is wrong unless it is shoved down his throat and proven beyond a shadow of a doubt. He also seems to believe that if a lie cannot be proven, (he has never just openly admitted a lie) it was not a lie. And then there are those lies by omission. "I didn't tell you about because I knew you would not approve."
The night I met him (and it was love at first sight) he told me stories about cars and motorcycles and seeing Bigfoot. I thought we were having a silly BS session and even joined in. It was years before I realized he could not stop telling such stories and seems to believe them.
I have gone on too long already. I just want you to know that I believe it will get worse. If you are going to stay, continue to confront him every single time. If he gets really angry; another red flag. Counseling where someone will make him face his shortcomings may be good. I do wish you the best.
I have to add that my husband is awesome in very many ways. People adore him. The bad outweighed the good for 23 years. Now it does not.
Just want to give you some things to think about from one who has been there.


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## Lucky_072508 (Jul 22, 2011)

If this is such a crappy relationship, then why do I feel happy? I know about mental illness. My brother has something similar to schizophrenia and has been in and out of psych wards, jails, prison, etc. My dad has depression + asperger's, my mom has depression + PTSD, and I was diagnosed with bipolar, anxiety, OCD, and PTSD when I was 17. I used to be a cutter, attempted suicide more than once, wound up in the psych ward, I was a drug addict, etc. And I am only 24.
I am honestly the happiest I have ever been in my whole life. Everyone around me can see such a change and a big part of this change was meeting my fiancé. I don't hurt myself anymore (physically or emotionally), I am not on drugs and have no desire to ever be on them again (I don't even have cravings), and I am generally very positive. I have lots of energy and my interest in life has come back whereas before I would lay in bed and watch tv for 8+ hours a day. I actually have self-esteem and self-respect. 
I am not blind to his flaws. I see them and I am not saying that what he is doing is okay, I am just saying that I am not to the point where they bother me enough to warrant a breakup. If it gets worse like you all say, then I will consider ending the relationship IF other options like counseling don't work. 
I'm not trying to be stubborn or seem like I am brushing y'all off. 
Just like its frustrating for you guys that I don't see what you see, it's equally if not more frustrating that you can't see what I see. If that makes sense.


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## happybleats (Sep 12, 2010)

> Just like its frustrating for you guys that I don't see what you see, it's equally if not more frustrating that you can't see what I see.


We can only see what you show us..Like Stacy said...paint us a picture of his other side...Marriage is hard when its good....its near impossible when it not...but not totally impossible..Ive been married to my husband for almost 33 years...it has been hard many times...we come from two very different world..struggled through many growing pains..had many times we were not happy...teased that pride kept us together because everyone said it wouldn't work...But here we are 33 years, 8 kids and one grand daughter later...still madly in love....we make our comments out of experience..good and bad...all that has been said is..Walk carefully,,, keep your eyes wide open and your heart in check...truly look to the future...you asked us for advice..and in our desire to help..guide and support...things have been said..stories shared...all so you can have the tools to make the best decision for you. So paint us that picture...show us who he is when he isn't lying to you....when he makes you smile and laugh...when he puts you first..when he makes you feel like there is no one else in his world...because those moments will carry you through the bad times


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## toth boer goats (Jul 20, 2008)

Lucky, remember your title " Should I confront my fiance about lying/being a jerk" and how you opened the topic? We were all concerned for you. 
That is why we pictured it being bad. We felt your anguish and pain. 

Did something change to make you feel different? Sometimes love is blind my dear. So, what you painted for us was someone that was wronging you and your relationship. 

If you feel happy that is good. So I guess your feelings changed.


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## Lucky_072508 (Jul 22, 2011)

The lying is annoying. But as a whole I am happy with him. The rest of him is great. My parents love him, he is great with animals and treats me well (the part where I said he was being a jerk was probably because he was stressed about the car accident). 
We tell each other we love each other at least 20 times a day even if we are annoyed with each other. We have talked about what we want our marriage to be like. We agree about how we want to raise our kids and we want our kids to never doubt how much we love each other. I have never seen my parents show love to each other. Never a hug, never a "I love you". They even slept in separate rooms for years. Troy (my fiancé) and I want our kids to see their parents having fun with each other and know that we are commutted for life. Troy is also wanting to get a good job so that I can quit mine and stay home with the kids.
On the days we see each other (4-7 days a week) he'll tell me "today is your day. What do you want to do? Do you want to go see your horses?" etc. He acts like every day is my day and I have to really pull it out of him to find out what he wants to do. He is happiest when we are laying down, holding hands, and watching a movie, or outside playing with the dogs. 
For years I had zero self esteem or self respect and I slept around because I just didn't care. I was emotionally shut down. Since I've started taking care of me and building myself up I made the decision a year ago to not have sex again until I am married. I was worried about telling Troy but when I did, he told me that it will be hard for him but he loves me and he will respect my decision. And he has been great about it. He's the first guy who did that. 
He is moving in with me and my parents in less than a month (the condition was that we sleep in separate rooms since we are not married) and he is planning on doing work for my parents for free, helping with food/utilities, etc. 
Hopefully this gives you a better idea of who he is, what he is like, and why I'm not willing to throw what we have away when I think the lying can be fixed. 

Oh, and when I said I didn't know how to handle him, I didn't mean it that way. I meant the lying issue...


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## lovinglife (Jun 6, 2013)

Maybe you have said this and I missed it, how long have you known each other?


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## nchen7 (Feb 25, 2013)

sweetie, I think the consensus is that you should walk away.

I used to date a guy like yours. he made up EVERYTHING - his birthday, spelling of his name, etc etc. he was my first bf, so of course I was young and naïve. he used to go out and party with friends, and he would tell me he'd walk girls home b/c he was being nice, and they would kiss him. I mean...c'mon!! once, fine, but that happened MANY times. he's a lying jerk, still is....glad I found myself a real man.

but eventually, I learned that I could do much better, and I walked away.

the best thing you can do right now is assess the situation as objectively as you can. and be really REALLY honest with yourself. think about what kind of future you two may have, and just know that his mannerisms will likely not change, and judging by your rant, it seems like it's getting worse. do you HONESTLY want to be with a man like that?

Girl, I've been where you are. it's no fun at all. listen to your gut. it knows better than your heart..... good luck with your decision. 

:hug:


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## toth boer goats (Jul 20, 2008)

Do what you feel is right for you. We gave advice and I hope things will be good for the both of you.

If you two are to be a married couple, you both need a place of your own. 
When you live with parents/in laws, things can turn bad. Arguments and bad feelings can happen, words are spoken and they are hard to take back, making things even worse.  

Does he have a job to support you and himself?


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## Lucky_072508 (Jul 22, 2011)

Things are getting better. I have been talking to his mom about it and she's been helping me address the lies. She said that the lying started when he was little. He never did it to hurt anyone, apparently his dad had an anger problem and so Troy would lie to not get in as much trouble. So there's that and she said he has self-esteem issues and never feels good enough so he lies to make himself look better and to be liked better.
I have been encouraging Troy and I've noticed less lying. 
So we're on the right path.


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